Omnibus Livestock Rights Bill Passed by Congress

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Thursday, 23 July 2009

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"There's lots of pork in this bill."

Washington DC: President Obama has signed the Omnibus Livestock Rights Bill. This bill protects beef cattle, pigs and chickens, from undue harm until they reach your plate at the dinner table.

PETA members and other animal rights groups lobbied both houses of Congress to pass this bill before the August recess commences, when Representatives and Senators go home to face their constituents. Texas Cattlemen's associations, Iowa pig farmers and Maryland chicken farmers fought a losing battle. Members of both parties weary of the health care reform debate just wanted to get out of the imperial city. However, they all agree the bill is full of cow flop, pork and chicken poop.

The 6900 page bill was steamrolled through Congress in one day by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid. The bill spells out how cattle, pigs and chickens are to be federally protected by OSHA, as these animals do work for a living. An influential Southern Senator was heard saying in the cloak room "no body has read the damn thing."

During the recess, House and Senate staffers will continue to read and search the bill for interesting paragraphs and clauses that were not redacted during the markup sessions. For example, Page 6669 contains a paragraph that mandates that animal rights groups must cavort naked with farm animals once each month to raise their self esteem. Fraternization is strictly prohibited, regardless of gender preferences and will result in severe fines.

One staffer, on condition of anonymity, said "the bill stinks and will probably be greatly amended or totally repealed when Congress returns in September."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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