Chris Brown Finally Admits That He Did Beat Rihanna

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

image for Chris Brown Finally Admits That He Did Beat Rihanna
Rihanna shown dancing at L.A.'s trendy La Casa FuFuFiFi Lounge.

LOS ANGELES - Well after over five and a half months of saying that he did not do it, Chris Brown has finally admitted that he did in fact beat his beautiful, gorgeous girlfriend Rihanna.

Brown spoke outside L.A.'s Staples Center with his attorney Ramona Ravenstahl at his side.

It is kind of a 'given' that when a celebrity is charged with assaulting or beating his wife or girlfriend, that he will be much better off if he hires a female attorney.

This has been proven to make a difference between a defendant walking away free or walking away to San Quentin Prison.

Ravenstahl has defended over 9,000 men in cases involving domestic disputes, public disputes, and disputed disputes.

Brown was asked what made him finally admit that he had indeed beat the (blank) out of his girlfriend who he said he loved more than singing, basketball, and chicken wings.

Chris looked down and mumbled something unintelligible. Speak up he was told and quit that jive-ass mumblin'.

He raised his head, put down the bottle of Ripple and said, "I wants all of y'all to knows that I loves Ri (Rihanna) a whole bunch of a hell of a lot. I loves that girl more than I love watching old Amos and Andy reruns.

I love her more than I love watching Oprah's 'yo-yo' lose it, gain it back, lose it, gain it back dieting. And I loves Rihaha (Rihanna) more than I love eating moon pies, chitlins, fried collared greens, and watermelon sandwiches."

Brown went on to say that he admits that yes he did make up the story about Rihanna tripping on her six-inch imported Italian stiletto heels.

He also says that he made up the story about her tripping over a French Poodle, and he apologizes for saying that a homeless guy pushed her down when she only gave him $1 instead of the $5 that the homeless man expected.

Chris says that he has seen the light. And the light he is talking about is a 60-watt bulb that would have lighted up what would have been his 10 by 12 foot San Quentin Prison jail cell.

A cousin of Rihanna's Jewella Amaryllis Wickliff said that Mr. Chris Brown, whom she refers to as the singin' punk is the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in America. In exchange for pleading guilty, he was only given a sentence of five years probation.

She said that the damn dude could have gone to prison for many, many years and that he would probably have come out of prison being able to sing several octaves higher than when he first went in. Jewella Amaryllis explained why in a somewhat explicitly graphic-as-hell dissertation.

When Rihanna was asked to comment on Brown finally admitting that he beat her she replied that she didn't want to comment because she was kind of tired from singing, and dancing, and smiling all the time.

She did say that the terms of probation clearly state that the (perp) cannot get within 50 yards of her if she is performing on stage.

She added that Boopsy Woopsy (Brown) cannot get within 10 yards of her if she is at the grocery store, the beauty salon, or any KFC in the lower 48 states.

The decree also prohibits Mr. Chris Brown from emailing her, texting her, or contacting her through a third party, or a fourth, fifth, or sixth party.

He is allowed to contact her through a seventh party, but it will be expressly limited to three words and three words only.

If he should use four words, he violates the terms of his probation, and the boy is off to San Quentin where the big boys will give him a right nice welcome.

SIDENOTE: Rihanna has signed with The Can't See The Forest For The Trees Book Publishing Company to write a book about the entire Chris Brown beating her experience. The book's title is My Book About The Entire Chris Brown Beating Her (Me) Experience.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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