Hotel "Rubs Out" Three Italian Businessmen

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 19 July 2009

image for Hotel "Rubs Out" Three Italian Businessmen
Based on true story: Italian businessmen actually complained at hotel about hats just like these.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Authorities are questioning employees of a San Francisco hotel after three Italian businessmen were found shot to death, then rolled up in rugs and disposed of in a dumpster out back after they complained the hotel's dress code reinforces negative Italian stereotypes.

The men were reportedly in town from Italy on official business before meeting their tragic end at the Villa Norcini, according to one source.

An employee of the valet company who services the hotel recalled the men mentioning upon arrival that, "The bellhops and doormen look like mafioso in those fedoras."

Witnesses said General Manager Donald Brando greeted the men at the front desk with tissue paper stuffed in his cheeks. "How much would you like to pay for a room, gentlemen?" he asked. "Make me an offer I can't refuse!"

The men explained they first wanted to discuss the hotel's perpetuation of negative Italian stereotypes, but were told to "fuggeddabouddit"; when they further pressed the matter, the manager became agitated asking, "Hey, do you gotta hearin' problem? I said fuggeddabouddit! Capiche?"

Since most hotels in the area were already booked, they decided to drop the matter and stay anyway; incidental footage captured by a guest's camera phone indicates Brando then made an almost imperceptible motion across his throat before gesturing in the direction of the men as a bellhop nodded in affirmation.

Forensic analysis determined the caliber of the bullets retrieved from the victims is the same used in machine guns carried by room service.

This is not the first time the hotel has drawn the attention of authorities: Claims the on-site dry cleaning service also launders money have persisted for years, and reports suggest at least two maids caught stealing did not lose their jobs, but instead had their thumbs removed by upper management.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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