LONDON - British doo-wop, funk singer Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil has filed for divorce from his wife.
Fielder-Civil's attorney Cambric Barnstable was asked on what grounds was his client filing for divorce. Barnstable reached in his briefcase, pulled out a notepad and began reading: First degree purported adultery, third degree pseudo infidelity, and first degree fraudulent fornication.
He continued also fourth degree Machiavellian dalliance, basic ersatz harlotry, collusive triangular trysting, and quasi pecksniffian slutiness.
He then added that Fielder-Civil had documentation in the form of video recordings, audio recordings, and charcoal sketches verifying a long line of substance abuse, drinking abuse, smoking abuse, and pizza abuse.
Mr. Barnstable also noted that his client had become, on several occasions, sick to his stomach due to the dozens and dozens of ugly-looking tattoos that his wife (Winehouse) has covering about 93 percent of her body.
He also pointed out that Ms. Winehouse had a total of 27 body piercings including several on her tonsils, her wisdom teeth, and one on her labia majora which gave her a somewhat pavement princess look.
Fielder-Civil had also remarked that Winehouse had written several songs about him that he felt were extremely derogatory in nature.
Two of the songs from Winehouse's latest CD titled Doing The Nasty Under The Nottingham Bridge were "Tattoo This Mofo" and "My (Blank) Is Pierced Is Yours?"
Barnstable said that Mr. Fielder-Civil who was a third grade school dropout said that his wife is worth $15 million. He says that he will not cause any problems if she agrees to give him $14 million.
He added with a big old smile on his face, that Amy can easily make it all back within two years.
When Winehouse was asked to comment on the ongoing divorce proceedings she replied that she had no idea that her husband wanted a divorce.
She admitted that she knew that he wanted a pet hamster, a 2009 Shanghai Rickshaw, and tickets to a Madonna concert, but she had no idea he wanted a divorce.
Winehouse insisted that she will not divorce him on the grounds that she has about a dozen, somewhat sexually explicit in nature, photographs on her cell phone of her husband and an adult male sardine.
Ms. Winehouse has already secured the legal services of the famous Tokyo law firm of Ping, Wing, Ching, and Fernandez.
SIDENOTE: Winehouse said that the photos that her husband purportedly has of her and the Bolivian soccer team are actually photo-shopped. She added that the woman in the photo has a bit of a moustache, which she does not have. She did admit that she has underarm hair, leg hair, and a small soul patch, but that's all.