Bill Clinton offered International Award

Funny story written by Nelo

Sunday, 11 July 2004

image for Bill Clinton offered International Award

Kildare, Ireland

Former pupils of a prestigious Irish boarding school have awarded former US President, Bill Clinton their highest honour.

The past-pupils of Clongowes Wood College, Co Kildare, Ireland voted unanimously in awarding Mr Clinton the Order of the Illustrious 5 pence (of 5 cents since the introduction of the Euro).

The award is given for great service to female kind beyond the call of ordinary duty. President of the Past-Pupils Union, Mr Ulick Magee made the announcement last night at a gala dinner for former winners of the award, and Mr Clinton was received with rapturous applause.

The award arises out of bet first taken on the 26th May 1816, when a past pupil of the school Aloysius Kenny challenged three other former pupils to a dare.
The dare involved placing a five pence piece on the table and awarding it to the man most successful in the challenge set down.

Mr Magee says the challenge has been the same ever since that great day in 1816, and only the very able and may I say very drunk have managed to complete this extraordinary task with a mixture of bravery, intrepidness and outright dutch courage.

The bet is placed on the table, and the challenge involves each man present to find a woman by the close of business. Simple though it may seem, the challenge has a catch. The woman must according to the rules be 'Less than attractive, in fact she must be positively ugly, so ugly the sea in all its glory would not wave at her

Ever since 1816 countless men throughout the world have taken the Clongownian bet otherwise known as 'The 5p bet'. Mr Clinton according to the former pupils of Clongowes has excelled in this phenominal task, but two achievements bear note. For outstanding merit, the silver medal was awarded to Mr Clinton for his escapades with Ms Paula Jones.

This was what we call in Ireland, 'a spectacular', this woman was a terrible boot! We made enquiries and were satisfied that all the conditions were in fact in place for the 5p bet. However, a special distinction was given for following up on this momentous achievement in 1996, when President Clinton 'took the grenade' for all mankind when he seduced Monica Lewinski. For that single milestone, Mr Clinton has had his picture placed in the hall of fame at Clongowes. Where it remains perched above all others, testimony to a hero to men who have hogged in the name of success'.

After ritual cigars and brandy and much back slapping, Mr Clinton was invited to play the saxaphone along with band who played the 5p anthem, You ain't nothin' but a hound-dog by Elvis Presley

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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