(New York) - As New York City makes final preparations for the St. Patrick's Day Parade on Monday, thousands of assholes from the tri-state area are also gearing up to invade Manhattan, turning the annual celebration of Irish heritage into a drunken orgy of fistfights and public urination.
"Woooooooo! St. Patty's Day!" Long Island resident Tony Matteo screamed as he laid out his St. Patrick's Day wardrobe - A t-shirt with the words "Do Me, I'm Irish" printed on it. "I can't fucking wait for Monday, bro. I'm gonna drink a whole bottle of Absolut on the train so I'll be ripped by the time we hit the city. Then after that, who the fuck knows? Last year I punched three bartenders who refused to serve me and my bros. It's gonna be pretty fucking hard to beat that record bro."
Matteo also hopes to break a few car windows and molest as many half conscious woman as he can before passing out in a subway station early Tuesday morning.
