Crystal Defanti Scores Success In Canada With Splayed Beaver

Funny story written by Wire Piddle

Saturday, 11 July 2009


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Ottawa, CA - Crystal Defanti, who first gained fame as a teacher who distributed her sex DVD to her students, scored a tremendous cultural and epicurean success in Canada at the 7th Annual International Culinary Competition with her recipe 'Splayed Beaver With Rhubarb Apple Maple Chutney'.

Said Crystal of her success, "I knew that Canadians were a hearty bunch and thought they would particulary warm to my splayed beaver but I never knew it could attract so much attention."

Indeed, Canadians could be seen displaying Crystals splayed beaver on t-shirts, flags and even the odd bumper sticker made mention of the dish.

Said competition judge, Marty Abrams, "Crystal Defanti has certainly won accolades for her splayed beaver dish, but I am particularly entranced by it's presentation and accompanying chutney sauce. All in all, it's a nice piece of tail."

Splayed Beaver with Rhubarb Apple Maple Chutney
by Crystal Defanti

1 gutted Beaver, skinned and splayed
1 tbls. Celery seeds
1 tbls. Garlic juice
1 Bay leaf
1 tbls. Onion salt
1 cup Seasoned flour
1/2 cup Melted lard
1 cup Red wine
2 cups Medium cream sauce

Parboil beaver in water seasoned with celery seeds, garlic juice, bay leaf, and onion salt. When nearly tender, remove and pat dry. Dust with seasoned flour and brown in melted lard. Add red wine, bake at 350 degrees, covered, for 1 hour or until completely tender. Pour on cream sauce and broil briefly until golden-brown.

Rhubarb Apple Maple Chutney:
2 cups (500 mL) chopped Ontario Rhubarb (about 8 oz/250 g)
1 small Ontario Onion, diced
1 small Ontario Apple, peeled and diced
1/4 cup (50 mL) packed brown sugar
1/4 cup (50 mL) apple cider vinegar
1/2 tsp (2 mL) ground cumin
1/4 tsp (1 mL) each of salt, dired thyme and dry mustard
A pinch of pepper
2 ounces Maple Syrup

In nonreactive saucepan, combine rhubarb, onion, apple, sugar, vinegar, cumin, salt, thyme, mustard and pepper; bring to boil over medium-high heat, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, until rhubarb has softened but still has some texture, about 2 minutes. Let cool. Store in airtight container in refrigerator for up to 2 weeks. Makes about 1-1/2 cups (375 mL).

For serving, reheat preprepared chutney to warm and slowly add maple syrup to taste, stirring constantly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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