Renegade Beverage Pitcher Kills Seven

Funny story written by dalepetrie

Saturday, 10 July 2004

image for Renegade Beverage Pitcher Kills Seven

Decatur, IL

Chaos ensued today at the Hickory Point Mall in Forsythe, when shoppers at Sears were suddenly crushed by the implosion of the west concrete wall of the anchor store. Suddenly and without warning, tons of concrete, steel rods and plaster from the wall, along with several heavy displays of Craftsman tools flew inward, crushing twenty four unsuspecting shoppers, six of whom died immediately on impact, a seventh dying while paramedics were mounting a rescue operation. Ten of the 24 are listed in critical condition at hospitals in the Decatur area, and the other seven have been treated for minor injuries and released.

Shortly after the cinder blocks came to a rest on top of the unsuspecting victims, a clearly inebriated beverage pitcher filled with a red liquid and several large ice cubes emerged from the wreckage, screaming "OH YEAHHH!" at an ear piercing volume. Mall security arrived on the scene within minutes, but were unable to control the actions of the renegade pitcher, which insisted upon urinating its contents all over the crowd of onlookers, screaming, "Hope you're thirsty bitches, OH YEAHHHH!" Police backups were called, and when the pitcher would not cooperate with the officers and proceeded to approach them in a threatening manner, Officer Thomas Drykin was forced to put three bullets into the belligerent pitcher, cracking it's glass fa├žade and spilling its sticky red contents all over the floor. Fortunately, Sears was well equipped with several floor model shop vacs, making quick work of the cleanup. Forensics experts analyzed the red liquid and determined it to be a sweetened, artificially flavored beverage that was spiked with grain alcohol, making the liquid's alcohol content equivalent to 80 proof.

No one is exactly certain how the beverage pitcher's liquid became spiked, whether the pitcher had spiked itself, or was party to a fraternity prank gone wrong. Some suggest that the pitcher had fallen on hard times in the past couple decades or so, and had developed a severe drinking problem, while others say that the pitcher was a teetotaler who never touched anything harder than lemonade. It is also unclear why, other than the fact that he was as one onlooker put it, "drunk off his ass," the pitcher chose that time and location to break through a wall, but experts who have reportedly "seen this kind of thing before in the 70s and 80s," believe that one of the deceased victims had decried an unquenchable thirst moments before he was crushed. Ironically, had the pitcher only chosen to use the wide automatic doors at the store entrance, the victim would have been satiated rather than killed.

Identities of the victims have not been released, pending notification of their families and cleaning of the congealed red goo from their corpses.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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