(AP-Washington,DC) In a surprise announcement, the Obama Administration said it was selling the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington, D.C., in an effort to help reduce the staggering deficit. The buyer is Las Vegas Casino Magnate, Steve Wynn, owner of the Encore and Wynn Casino Resorts will remodel the landmark into the Capital's first Hotel and Casino. The selling price is $250 million.
In a hastily called news conference, the President defended the decision," Who needs a gaudy, ostentatious, run down place like the Capitol Building. It's outlived its usefulness and it's time to go bye-bye, especially if it can help ease our economic burden." Reading from a tourist brochure titled, "Get To Know One Of The World's Great, Priceless, Irreplaceable Treasures," the President said, " Look at these outlandish facts. The Capitol covers a ground area of 175,170 square feet, or about 4 acres, and has a floor area of approximately 16-1/2 acres or 718,740 interior square feet. Its length, from north to south, is 751 feet 4 inches; its greatest width, including approaches, is 350 feet. Its height above the base line on the east front to the top of the Statue of Freedom is 288 feet; from the basement floor to the top of the dome is an ascent of 365 steps. The building contains approximately 540 rooms and has 658 windows (108 in the dome alone) and approximately 850 doorways."
"This is absurd," said the President, "Who can walk up 365 stairs, and, my God, who wants to open and close 850 doors? I realize a few folks sort of like this place but it's a dinosaur now, but if it can raise $250 million dollars, yes $250 million, I call it a gem. Where are you going to find another true American hero willing to shell out that kind of dough for a dump." The Capitol had more than 750,000 visitors last year.
"This is a final executive decision and will not be reversed. So far there have been no comments from the Republican camp and we don't expect any," added Obama." All Republican Senators and Congressmen are currently attending a conference in the Antarctica and all communications have been cut to the frozen continent. They don't have a clue what's happening, and when they do, it will be a done deal," noted the President.
"To be totally honest we were asking $50 billion dollars for the property," said the President, "but after some tough negotiation we settled on $250 million, still a princely sum. Remember this is a tough real estate market and Fannie Mae was about to foreclose on the $10,565.38 remaining mortgage, so we had to act fast. Steve is one tough negotiator. We are also promising him a $10 billion dollar "good faith payback grant" to sweeten the deal and help him will all the work he'll have to do. When he agreed to donate 0.3% of his net profits to help the defitict, it was a done deal. With that kind of cash the deficit will be gone in a flash."
The only dissenting voice came from Rep. Henry Murtha (D-PA) who bemoaned the fact he will no longer be able to ride the underground railroad that links the Senate and House chambers. "I loved riding it and yelling Choo-Choo all the way." Wynn assured Murtha that he'll make special accommodations for Murtha to continue his trips with reservations made "well in advance to properly accomodate Representative Murtha's special needs." Wynn said he'll be adding "Railettes," young women dressed in red, white and blue bikinis to add the colors of patriotism. "After all, this is still a sacred place and deserves all the respect I can give it."
In a brief description of his plans, Wynn explained the Capitol dome will be turned into a rotating restaurant adorned with flashing lights. Both Congressional chambers will converted to casinos and the offices converted into an up-scale shopping mall, guest rooms and perhaps condominiums. "Our plans are still in their initial stages," the billionaire stressed. "Also at no charge I'll be building luxury tents on the Washington Green to replace the current offices. They will have the most high-tech Porta Potties money can buy. Everyone will be very comfortable and happy," Wynn stressed. " I'll be glad to donate one of our ballrooms when they need to vote on something or other. The charge will be very reasonable." he added.
When asked how the District of Columbia's strict anti-gaming laws were skirted, speaker Pelosi was quick to respond, " Hey, I'm Italian. I know people." She refused to offer further details.
In closing, President Obama added, "If this project falls through, the Capitol will be demolished to make way for illegal alien low-cost housing. You always need a fall-back, and this is a good one."
The Following Spoof News summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams.