Final Details of PPIP Announced by Treasury

Funny story written by KRS

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

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Late this afternoon, at the Gotti Social Club in New York, the US Treasury Department announced the public component to the Public Private Investment Program (PPIP).

The "pupick," Treasury Secretary Geithner's plan to apply Chanel #5 to the largest rectum in the Milky Way, colloquially recognized as troubled assets remaining on bank and bank holding company books.

The program is designed to appear to be a public-private partnership to buy these assets and remove all traces of the toxic non-negotiable "securities" from the financial accounts of these schmedricks (mortgage bankers).

The program was initially targeted to amount to $500 million, which is analogous to a single sperm swimming inside a $50.00 teenage Bangkok prostitute at 8:00 PM on a Friday evening. Financial pundits have conservatively theorized that the actual size of the problem assets is in the region of $14.5 shitillion.

Treasury spokesperson, Ms. C. Liddle, told reporters "After months of reviewing viable public partners, we have selected the Bonanno Construction Company, the Genovese Cartage Corporation, The South Seas Investment SBIC, The Escobar Family Trust, Billy Mays Incorporated and the Odessa to be our public allies in cleaning up this sewage, referred to as the credit crisis.

"After careful review, we feel highly confident that these organizations will restore financial acumen to America commerce. All of these companies have extensive experience operating multi billion dollar global enterprises; in fact a few have what I would call rare expertise in offal and excrement as well as cadaver disposal. Anyone seen Jimmy Hoffa lately?"

Ms. Liddle went on to reveal; "We anticipate the various rating agencies, although in hiding like some rat in the Federal Witness Protection Program, will surface and reconsider their final ratings of this dung (following the collapse and concomitant reassessment), once it is widely understood that the assets will not only be backed by the good faith (prayers) and creditworthiness of the US Government, but by the Bonanno, Genovese and Escobar families. Are any of you going to give those guys lip? Or be late on a payment? Our selection committee was rigorous in their deliberation of ideal candidates to return this country to fiscal responsibility."

Paul Prophet, reporter for the Christian Science Monitor asked Ms. Liddle about accountability and transparency. Ms. Liddle invited Mr. Prophet to serve as Chairman on the Oversight Committee. Mr. Prophet declined and was heard mumbling "In God We Trust" as he departed the social club.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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