Since the Fall of 2008, bank revenue has plummeted on the back of foreclosures and rising credit card delinquencies. This Spring, Congress passed a law cracking down on arbitrary and excessive credit card fees, further pressuring banks to generate new products and revenue streams.
American Banking Association spokesperson, Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel III outlined the squeeze:
"Our members have undergone unprecedented contraction from decreased lending, delays in scheduled payments and biased government intrusion into our affairs. It ain't kosher. Consequently, we are advising our constituents to engage more vigorous methodologies of collection as well as new strategies for generating fee income.
"Our Board has unanimously voted to recommend that all of our members engage the Corleone Olive Oil Company to assist in the recovery of delinquent mortgage and consumer loan payments. The Corleone Company has extensive experience, both here and in Sicily, in counseling customers in the advantages of maintaining timely payment schedules. Their successful operations have been widely documented by the FBI, Interpol and the Carabinieri.
"We have already seen an unfuckingbelieveable response from the banks participating in the pilot project. Not a single customer has walked into a branch and dropped off a house or car key since the Corleone Family has been employed. We are ecstatic; loan payments are not only regular, but a few days early every week and our customers have adopted a renewed sense of responsibility. Our daily counts from our numbers runners are way up too."
Mr. Siegel went on to discuss additional strategies encouraged of his members. Alluding to the exponential rise in identity theft, the ABA is recommending that as an additional protection to customers, banks verify all signatures on drafts, checks and deposits using the latest reverse transcriptase - polymerized chain reaction DNA technology.
In order to avoid processing delays in each transaction, all account holders and signatories on each account will have the RT-PCR test done when the account is opened. There will be a one time $1,400.00 fee, but Mr. Siegel went on to say that he does not anticipate consumer resistance, because the third world bastards that do not pay dues to the ABA, average $3,550.00 per account in cases of identity theft. Also, the NCIS and Homeland Security will pay $25.00 for each query into our DNA database.
As an additional security measure, banks will place a (90) hold on all account deposits.
"This has become a necessity because of recent offshore banking transactions originating at institutions like Stanford International Bank of Antigua," bristled Mr. Siegel. He went on to say, " As a service to our customers, we are taking additional action to reduce the likelihood of $50.00 overdraft charges by placing a five day hold on all bank drafts made on accounts with insufficient funds - at no additional charge to our customers. If within those five business days, funds are deposited into the account to cover the outstanding check, there will be only a minimal $2.00/day processing fee (ADDITIONAL CONDITIONS APPLY). Should account funds not be deposited within the five day window, Corleone employees will initiate confidential negotiations and time honored techniques for reconciliation with the customer."
Mr. Siegel closed with an additional recommended benefit to customers:
"It is anticipated that ABA members will waive all customer fees as long as account balances exceed $1,000,000.00. We stand ready to protect and serve our clientele. People are sick and fucking tired of getting nickeled and dimed every time they turn around.
"Two bucks for a (5) gram bag of peanuts loaded with 10 grams of sodium on the plane and then those cocksuckers charge you $8.00 for a goddamn bottle of water OR $50.00 for a (5) minute lap dance after paying a $20.00 cover charge...where will it stop. Well, it stops with our membership, here and now.
"Banking is the backbone of our global economy; just ask Pablo Escobar, John Dillinger, Donald Trump or Osama Bin Laden. As President of the new ABA, I am re-energizing the phrase, "You can take that to the bank." Like the Don told me last week; "No longer will the word banking be synonymous with bailout and it will be a well respected profession again...or someone is gonna get hurt."