CHARLESTON - South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford caving in to pressure from South Carolina voters, his wife, fellow GOPers, Emeril Lagasse, and Shakira has decided to resign his governorship.
The 49-year-old governor with the George Hamilton-looking tan expressed his deepest most profound apologies to the people of South Carolina, his wife, his four sons, and to Adam Lambert for knocking him off the front page.
Sanford said that upon reflection he knows now that he should never have gone to Argentina to rendevous with his mistress Carmelita Conchita Carlita Del Cuervo.
He says that he should have instead met her in Osaka, Japan where they could have easily blended in better [EDITOR'S NOTE: I'm afraid that I don't understand the reasoning behind that statement either].
Sanford was asked by Chickabiddy Bunting of the Associated Press if he planned to divorce his wife and marry Miss Del Cuervo. The governor grinned and asked her, "Oh, I don't know Chicky, tell me what have you heard?"
"Well since you asked, I heard that on your trip to Argentina, you spent about $700 on condoms which you charged on your state of South Carolina American Empress Credit Card."
"That's not so."
"Yes it is."
"No it ain't bitch. And if you give me a chance I will explain."
"Okay, go right ahead bastard."
"Thank you twat. But if I may. Yes it is true that I spent $700 on condoms, well $703 actually. But I have already said that I am going to repay that amount back.
And in fact I have already had my secretary make out a check for $703 from a personal fund that I was going to use to buy Christmas presents for all 17 members of my office staff.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to my office and draw up my resignation papers. I will then be leaving for, as they say on the west coast, the left coast, where I will be starring in a remake of the old 1970's sit-com "Sanford And Son."
In other news. France has just announced that they are canceling their plans to go to war with Iran because they just remembered that they never go to war with anyone!