Written by Don Fulsom

Friday, 12 June 2009

image for Oprah to Eat Tapeworm in Weight-loss, Ratings Bid
When they go in, they're white.

TV's Oprah Winfrey is preparing to try a life-threatening medical gamble to guarantee the huge weight loss she has promised viewers. The tubby talk titan hopes to shed at least half of her current 600 pounds in just six weeks.

Oprah intends to swallow a voracious tapeworm under the supervision of her on-stage doctor, Mehmet Oz. Both the consumption and expulsion of the gastric serpent will be telecast live, but the exact dates and details are being kept secret to build suspense and big audiences.

Because Dr. Oz always dresses in a surgical costume, the audience won't know on just which show he'll sneak the tapeworm into Oprah's digestive tract.

"I could die-but at least I can keep my promise … and keep eating all I want of delicious fattening foods," Oprah enthused.

Dr. Oz intends to use a gut-loving parasite known as a Cestoda. "I expect it to grow inside her to 50 feet in length before finishing its job."

Sources indicate Oprah will consume a baby Cestoda hidden by Dr. Oz in a random bucket of triple-fried KFC chicken nuggets.

"By the time it fully matures inside her," Oz enthuses, "we'll start using a massive rod and reel to tug the 300-pound creature from Oprah's butt."

The tugging process could take several days. Oprah's butt will be shrouded from TV cameras, Oz emphasized.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Oprah Winfrey




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