KAMATIVI, Zimbabwe - It is now official The Swine Flu, aka The N1H1 Flu, alias The Fufu Flu, also referred to as The Cuckoo's Nest Flu One has now been found in the south African country of Zimbabwe.
Dr. Foombuffa Gamashonra director of The Zimbabwean Clinical Research Institute has verifed that a strain of the dreaded flu does in fact exist.
In order to not cause a panic, such as the one that occured in Eqypt, Zimbabewean authorities are not referring to the flu as swine flu, but instead are calling it by its colloquial name vine flu.
Noting that the country of Egypt mandated that its entire pig population, which numbers over 300,000 be slaughtered, Zimbabwe is being very careful in how it identifies and categorizes the flu strain.
They say that by documenting it as the vine flu, it will prevent any african animals from being needlessly slaughtered.
Dr. Gamashonra did want to make it very clear that there is no doubt that the vine flu does in fact come from someone having close contact with an African swinging vine.
As a result he has made flyers cataloging the vine flu which are being distributed throughout the hundreds of jungles in Zimbabwe and the neighboring country to the east Mozambique.
The flyers which are very graphic in nature state several ways in which one can protect his or herself from this bothersome affliction:
- Always make sure that anytime that you swing from a vine that you wear protective gear (i.e. gloves for your hands, a jock strap for your you-know-what and a federally approved vineproof vest for your chest area, or if one is not available a bulletproof vest will work just as well.)
- Be fully aware of your surroundings and of other individuals who may have already come in contact with, and who probably have already been afflicted with the vine flu. A good sign to watch for are little telltale indicators like vine burns on the arms and legs, vine lint in ones belly button, and a very strongly, odorously, putrid, reeking scent of vine.
- Never swing from the same vine. No matter how satisfying it may make you feel. Please use a separate vine.
- Do not ever put any part of the vine in your mouth. You would be surprised to know how many people do this witout thinking. And it's just not toddlers. There is documented proof that elderly citizens as old as 94 have been observed sucking on various types of vines; especially the viagra-flavored vine.
- If you or someone you know (i.e. a spouse, co-worker, soulmate, or penpal from America) feel that you may have already been exposed to the vine flu please be sure and go on the Internet and get the phone number and address of a vine flu specialist nearest you.
Dr. Gamashonra says that he recalls The Kankavucka Snake Flu of 1970. He says that it started off very docile but it soon grew to such epidemic proportions that every single Kankavucka snake was rounded up, trapped, and FedExed to Madagascar where all 11 plus million snakes were dumped into the Indian Ocean.
This operation was not only time consuming and extremely tiring but it was also very dangerous and very expensive as well.
And yes, it was sad that it caused the total eradication of every Kankavucka snake in Zimbabwe, but like Yinkosi Tatalooba, owner of The Hopping Hippo Spear Repair Shop in downtown Filabusi said, "We were very lucky that we were able to trap all of the damn Kankavuckas before they bit an elephant, a monkey, or even worse a French Poodle.
SIDENOTE: Due to the uncontrolable animosity and downright hatred towards the Kankavucka snake, in 1999, the Zimbabwean legislature enacted a law which removed the likeness of an adult Kankavucka snake which had appeared on the country's 30 Mutangookees dollar bill.