The American Medical Association has officially deemed left-handedness the newest disability in the US. In spite of their best efforts to be accepted, lefties are being lumped in with sex addicts and lupus sufferers in a category called 'mockable handicaps.'
In a long, boring and very dry speech given earlier this week, Surgeon General Alan Prick said, "Those whose dexterity leans left will be uncovered and 'tagged' in order to single them out and give them the special treatment they deserve." He went on to say that over the next six months, every North American will be brought in to government facilities and asked to shuffle a deck of cards with their right hand. Those who fail will be branded disabled and their right to vote will be suspended while right-handers will be given a pay raise and special medicine to make their sex organs more attractive.
When asked how he could be sure this method would single out all lefties, Prick talked about secondary testing, saying something about making them juggle…but he may have been talking about schedules. It was towards the end of his speech and my attention had drifted by that point. As I said, it was a very long speech.
Blair Sossage, a spokeswoman from the American Medical Association's marketing department stated that focus groups showed that Americans were looking for a new disorder to ease the hysteria surrounding Swine Flu, preferably something pre-existing and non-fatal. Left-handedness as a perfect fit and as far as treatment goes, doctors will simply be advised by TV commercials to prescribe a new, mild diarrhetic called Handilrex to those who suffer from the new handicap. Ms. Sossage also announced that the derogatory term when referring to left-handers would be "Dick-Fingers."
President Obama was asked about what he had planned for Dick-Fingers in the coming administration to which he replied, "Are you fuckin kidding me?" then went on to answer what he called 'grown-up' questions.