LONGWOOD, VA - Doctor Ilf Ayverd had to perform seven vasectomies today, but he says that's half the number of a busy day. He believes, like many other doctors, that the recent unprecedented rise in vasectomy rates is related to an explosion in the number of unattractive people.
"My staff came to me and asked, what's happening?" said Ayverd, chairman of the Department of Regional Snips and Splices at the Penal Institute in Longwood, VA. "Why are we suddenly having an explosion in guys asking for vasectomies? But then you hear stories like this guy who came in yesterday. He told me he was just looking at his kids one day and thought, 'God, y'all are ugly. What the hell have I done?' He says he scheduled an appointment right after that."
Ayverd also points out that, when you factor in the number of people whose appearance is "plain" or "average," the numbers become startling. "What we have here is the beginning of a crisis."
Until recently in human history, growth in the numbers of ugly people has been slow and variable. During the last few decades, however, numbers of ugly people have begun to increase exponentially. In response, many experts cite the rise of recreational beverage companies like An' House 'er Bush, who market specifically to the people who start looking better around the same time bars are closing down for the night.
According to most estimates, our planet is now the home to anywhere from 3-6 billion unattractive people, far too many by anyone's standards. Nevertheless, trends indicate that number might increase to as many as 10 billion within the next 40 years.
As the crisis deepens, concerned citizens are rallying to stop this problem. "It's a problem we created, and now it's up to us to do something about it," says Ima Frump of Woods Hole, MA.
One positive trend is a spike in the number of vasectomies as the economy continues to slump, with many now opting for this cheapest means of permanent birth control in hard financial times. After all, when you have no money and can't find work, the last thing you want to come home to is a bunch of ugly faces.