Washington DC-- Senators and congressional leaders from both sides of the aisle were stunned by an executive order requiring mandatory drug testing. President Obama signed the order at midnight and by dawn an army of drug testers wearing yellow rain coats and carrying plastic cups had descended on the city.
The unannounced alcohol and drug screening of all 535 members of Congress is meant to keep the federal government running smoothly during these very dangerous economic times. Failure to pass the drug screening would result in immediate dismissal. It is the same policy millions of employees around the country face every day. Over 95 percent of Americans approve drug testing for politicians.
"I just refuse to piss in a plastic cup in front of a stranger, I just can't do it." said Nancy Pelosi (Dem- Calif.) Ms. Pelosi spent five hours in the drug testing lab, 'unable' to pass any urine. "I think the Botox injections stop urination. Is it OK to get a note from my urologist??" she asked with a worried face.
Ted Kennedy also refused the drug and alcohol screening. He is still the Democratic senator from Massachusetts. He says his brain tumour helps him think. "I use alcohol only for medicinal purposes. I'm not going to whip out my dick and piss in front of a commoner. The Kennedy name stands for itself." he slurred.
Harry Reid (D-NV) also passed on the drug test. "I am a Mormon, and that's all you need to know." he said. It's also rumoured the senator's penis is so small it can't fit over the edge of a plastic cup.
Results of the drug screening will be available online tonight.
"You just have to be a little forgiving, please everyone." said a contrite Nancy Pelosi. "These are difficult times for everyone, including your congressmen. Please don't be judgemental." she pleaded.