TSA Screeners Confiscate Fruit Trees, Detain SNL Actor

Funny story written by Screeners Central

Saturday, 28 May 2005

image for TSA Screeners Confiscate Fruit Trees, Detain SNL Actor
TSA officials examine confiscated mango trees

This afternoon airport security screeners at a Florida airport detained two suspicious individuals and confiscated several mango trees that the pair attempted to smuggle through a security checkpoint.

The incident follows closely on the heels of a new memorandum issued by the Transportation Security Administration which lists "mango" on its updated Prohibited Items List.

A TSA spokesperson, who refused to be identified, refused to confirm the new fruity addition to the list, citing federal rules against disclosure of sensitive security information.

"That information is a secret and you're not cleared to know that," the unidentified spokesperson said from Mark Hatfield's office via a telephone that registered "Mark Hatfield, TSA Spokesman" on our Caller ID screen.

"It'd be like me telling you that corkscrews are on both the prohibited items and allowed item lists at the same time," he continued. "I just can't do that. How did you get my number?"

Airport officials tout the seizure as a great boon to national security.

"We all know that terrorists eat fruit," said one official who was reported missing shortly after our interview. "And since a lot of terrorists travel, it's safe to assume that some of them eat mangos. It would be irresponsible to ignore that link."

The security screener who originally spotted the fruit trees has been moved to the baggage screening center, out of public view, according to his supervisor. "I'm happy to take credit for the find, however," he told us.

In related news, former Saturday Night Live actor Chris Kattan was detained by TSA officials at a New York airport, and later arrested by police.

Transit Authority Police officer Mike Snelling said, "I guess this guy played a character called Mango on SNL," he said. "What the hell. The airport guys detained him. I just take 'em and transport 'em. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a leak."

SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels said, "It's a shame about Chris. But he always looked a little shady to me. I should have seen the warning signs."

Mark Arsenault is a regular contributor to Screeners Central (www.tsa-screeners.com), the humorous (and at times irreverent) resource site for America's TSA Screeners.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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