Researcher: Lincoln Was A Homo

Funny story written by Alejandro Juan-Abdullah

Monday, 17 November 2008

image for Researcher: Lincoln Was A Homo
"Ewww I would NEVER have sex with a woman!"

An archeological and historical artifact researcher at University of Texas in Dallas has discovered some crucial evidence pertaining to the 10-year-old question: Was Abraham Lincoln a homosexual?

Dr. Jamen D. Annis discovered several photographs dating to the early 1850's, as well as several letters of correspondence between our 16th president and his assassin, John Wilkes Booth. The photographs show a man with the same likeness as Lincoln being anally invasive with a man that shares a likeness of John Wilkes Booth. The headboard of the bed appears to be cherry wood, with a clear engraving of a large heart in the center. There are two sets of initials in the heart: J.W.B. and A.L.

In one letter, Lincoln writes, " dearest, closest friend, although I'd love nothing more than to give you a post in my cabinet, you fit in much better as a cowboy in my closet. See you at the show."

It's not clear whether Lincoln was referring to the show he was watching when assassinated, as the letter is not dated. However, carbon dating has played a significant role in determining the approximate time the letter was written. Researchers suspect the letter was written sometime between 1863 and 1865.

There are also several other clues as to Lincoln's sexual preferences. These include:

  • Lincoln loved the Opera
  • Lincoln is pictured having anal intercourse at a time when it took 2 1/2 hours to take a picture
  • Lincoln was never seen with a woman besides his wife
  • Most homosexuals had beards in the 1850s

This new evidence brings to light a new question: Was Lincoln murdered in a fit of rage by his gay lover?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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