Washington, DC - Republican Candidate John Sidney McCain III said Thursday that he'll apply for money from the government to help pay for his campaign.
"Food stamps, education loans, free cheese ... we'll take it all," said McCain. "We're really hurting over here, because we tapped out our donors during the primary campaign. And we can't get a lot of people to invest in my campaign since, basically, they think it's hopeless."
McCain will receive more than $80 million in public money, which is collected in $3 increments from taxpayers who choose to contribute. But it also means he has to abide by spending limits.
"That's not necessary a problem," said Fox White House correspondent Tony Snow, "If he wins the election, his appointees would be in charge of auditing the books and prosecuting any violations. And how likely is he to let himself be prosecuted?"
Pundits agree with this analysis. McCain had previously violated the ironically-named "McCain Campaign Finance Law" by securing a loan with a pledge to accept federal funding. Spending limits come with such a decision, and McCain spent more than allowed under those limits. "This is not a problem," said Special Prosecutor Karl Rove, "because no prosecution is possible so long as the Attorney General is a Republican. It's a beautiful system!"