Empire State Building Suicide Attempt by Midget

Funny story written by NewYorkversusLondon

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

A 63 year old midget annoyed tourists and security at New York's Empire State Building today with repeated suicide attempts and general scampering.

Head of security Tom Diddle said the chaos began almost as soon as the midget entered the building at 9am.

"You can't concentrate when they are around, you just wanna look at them. Tourists are snapping pictures and giggling a bit."

Diddle explained that the first incident occurred on the elevator stairs.

"I was watching him on the elevator. He stumbles on, goes up about three feet, then tumbles down the stairs backwards. A few people tried to pick him up but they were laughing."

Diddle says he put the first suicide attempt down to clumsiness.

"He was wearing a pair of trousers that were far too big for him and dangled over his shoes. I thought he had tripped over them."

It became clear after several minutes however that all was not well.

Gift shop worker Kelly McBiggun, said "he ran in here, climbed up on the chocolate display, and started brandishing a Snickers Bar like a baseball bat-- then he jumped off and landed on the floor."

Again passers by tried to help the midget to his feet, but according to McBiggun, people were "Snickering at him!" which raised smiles amongst her colleagues.

Diddle decided to raise the alarm when the midget headed into the Starbucks in the foyer and threatened to pour a boiling latte over himself.

"He tried to pick it up," said Diddle, "but he couldn't because it was one of those really tall cups."

Diddle added that if he had managed to raise the cup "all hell could have broken loose". "That coffee is hot. He could have burned himself, or at least ruined his Superman sweater."

The midget, later identified as Robert 'Lil Bobby' DeAmico from The Bronx, was led from the building by cops.

"He told us to take him to the top of the building and throw him right from the top" said Officer Molly Benjamin, adding "and that is the last thing we need in this city".

Officer Benjamin drove DeAmico to Baby Gap and said, "From ending-his-life mad, he was suddenly spending-like-mad!"

Despite initially demanding cops take him to Bellevue Hospital for emergency psychiatric assesment the midget settled for an ice cream and a trip to the zoo with Officer Benjamin, who he described as his "new best friend forever".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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