As Big Oil representatives were being grilled on Capitol Hill about their massive profits of $40 billion last year, the spokesmen successfully turned the microscope on consumers, saying that Joe Average has way too much disposable income and the companies want their rightful share, plus gratuity.
Big Oil said it knows that there are several pennies, a nickel and two quarters between families' sofa cushions and "would you please kindly send it to them as soon as possible," a spokesman said.
If everyone did that, Big Oil could rake in even more billions to continue its no-end-in-sight research for making combustible, fossil fuels more efficient and exploring government-protected animal sanctuaries and pristine land masses for untapped oilfields.
If any money is left over, the companies promised to use it on feel-good ad campaigns that let consumers know how tough it is being Big Oil, and awash in all that money.
"All those nickels and dimes add up to big money if everyone will just get off his high horse and do this for us," a Big Oil insider said. "Do you want to travel? Do you want a warm home? Do you want petroleum jelly? Then send us that loose change because it's obvious you're not using it. Just dig your hand into the nether region between the cushions, suppress your gag reflex for a minute when you touch a snotty Kleenex and pull out those meager riches that you haven't missed for what, like two years?
"Make out a check or money order to us. But, hey, while you're up, why not just round it off to $20. Everybody's got a twenty lying around. We know you spend $20 on baby shower gifts, graduation gifts and gag gifts for people you barely know. Give Big Oil that money and it'll go to work for you. Trust us, it's not going to end up in a garage sale like those stupid gifts you bought.
"That way, we don't have to touch our profits. Because if we have to dip into our profits, we're going to get very, very angry. And who will we take it out on? That's right. You. It'll mean higher prices at the fuel pumps. And from what we're hearing, no one wants that. So c'mon, do your part and chip in. We're your friends."
On their way out of the hearings, the Big Oil representatives handed out leaflets reading, "Big Oil: Coming soon to one of those damn rain forests near you."
