Written by beabo

Saturday, 8 March 2008

image for Clinton Proclaims: "I am NOT a monster"

At a press conference earlier this evening, presidential contender Hillary Clinton proclaimed herself to be, "not a monster, monster-like, or in any way related to monsters (with the possible exception of Bill who is, to be fair, merely a predator)".

Further, Senator Clinton stated, Senator Obama is still black and will remain black throughout the primaries.

Though recently featured in the sequel "Hillary vs Alien", Senator Clinton claimed today that she was only able to beat the acid blooded creature through prayer and meditation. In this very same way, she explained patiently, she would also lower gas prices, boost the economy, bring about universal health care, and send a man to the moon.

And, where prayer and mediation fails, Senator Clinton explained, plain old nuclear weapons should serve nicely.

Senator Clinton, best known for numerous congressional hearings regarding accidental suicides within the White House Staff, shady real estate deals, and her residence on the River Denial, offered her thirty-five years of "monster busting" experience when asked to explain how she knew with any confidence that she was, in fact, not a monster. With calm certainty, Senator Clinton declared, "I have known monsters, and they have always been part of the vast right wing conspiracy cobbled together to bring an end to the Clinton dynasty. Since I am the Clinton dynasty, I can not, therefore, be a monster".

Senator Obama, however, Senator Clinton conceded, is certainly part of the conspiracy to derail the Clinton political machine and should, therefore, be considered a monster of the Ken Star type monsterish outgrowth that ran rampant throughout her husband's terms as President.

Though long since thought slain, Senator Clinton explained, they have grown back in the dark of the night and have spread their tentacles throughout the electoral process.

On that note, Senator Clinton's staff conceded that they were seeking to have the present primary results overturned, the delegates reallocated to "non-monster contenders", and super delegates who were unfriendly and somewhat monster-like, stalked and killed.

In conclusion, Senator Clinton expressed her wishes to have a friendly and informed race with Senator McCain in the race to gain the President's office.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Hillary Clinton

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