Dallas, Texas - (Filthy Conspiracy Mess): One the eve of the 44th anniversary of the Puppet Monarch's assassination of President John F Kennedy UK secret service sources have uncovered damning evidence that Old Fatty Mountbatten leaned on the Warren Commission to delete all the passenger names on presidential motorcade records of 22 November 1963.
"We believe the fabled second shooter, also known as one Mr Grassy Noel, was the man who has successfully impersonated George W Bush for the last 30 odd years," the source said today.
"We now know that he was also trying to take out the biggest constitutional threat to Adolf Hitler's daughter - aka Queen Elizabeth - who was in the car behind JFK.
"Fortunately he failed and the rest is hystery.
"We also have evidence that shows 'Bush' was so pissed and strung out on cocaine that his grip on the trigger was only partial.
"That's why he was soon dropped by Elizabeth's commissioning agents, the Osteoporosis Division of the Skull 'n' Bones, from completing the task of taking out Oswald.
"We now know for certain the role Dickless Cheney played in that business and hope to finally publish all the facts just in time for Xmas this year."
There has been no comment from the Puppet Monarch who is currently in Uganda on yet another Commonwealth blood diamond smuggling mission.