Shitehall, London: (Bonfire Night Mess): Tuesday's State Opening of Parliament has been cancelled after apocryphal soothsayers' documents were found in a Westminster Abbey crypt.
These prophesy an apocalyptic penalty shoot-out between the forces of the Puppet Monarchy and the forces of the Rule of Law.
'On Saint Elizabeth's Day, it shall be so' is the wording on a crucial scrap of parchment found attached to a 2nd century BC painting.
This depicts Old Fatty Mountbaten bathing in asses' milk as the Pretender to the Throne frolics in a vat of Riyadh marker crude given to him by the king of Sordid Arabia during a recent UK state visit.
"Saint Elizabeth's Day is November 5th, also known as Bonfire Night or Guy Fawkes Day," the curator of the Ancient Order of the Hellfire Club museum commented today.
"It is celebrated in the country almost as a national holiday to mark the arrest and execution of traitors to the Crown.
"We think that this important archaeological find carries a hidden message which we have deciphered.
"Saint Elizabeth's Day is an anagram of The Lady Is Nazi Beast.
"We have advised the Puppet Government accordingly and had a little side-bet with internet bookmakers Aintgotaprayer.com.
"One hundred grand at odds of 6/4 says that the annual farce of the State Opening of the Puppet Parliament will be cancelled because of a massive Guy Fawkes' Second Coming."
Batten down the hatches and Tally Ho!