Ann Coulter's rhetorical style praised by underachieving adolescent boys

Written by websmuggler

Monday, 3 September 2007

image for Ann Coulter's rhetorical style praised by underachieving adolescent boys
Ann says: "I'm for abstinence before marriage. For everyone but myself, of course."

Ann Coulter, the right-wing political commentator who is called "attractive" because she's one of the extremely few Republican women who doesn't have a bigger moustache than Saddam did, has found a new generation of admirers. And it's one few could have anticipated: underachieving, thuggish, inarticulate adolescent boys.

"Like when Ann calls everyone she doesn't like a 'fag', I'm like, 'Yesssss!" says 14-year old thug Jimmy Dugan. "Cuz I always do the same thing to all the fags I don't like. It's so much easier than thinking."

15-year old 6th-grader Mark Thompson agrees. "It's how come I went to Juvenile Hall this last time. I pounded that fag Chris Meisner's ass, but he had it comin' for being a fucking fag. He's in band with all the other fags, and he plays the flute - how faggy is that? I told the judge how Ann Coulter says it's okay to kill fags like John Edwards, so how come I can't pound one? But he gave me 6 months. Fuckin' judge was a fag, too!"

Jimmy and Mark are clearly referring to Ann's practice of dismissing any disagreement by calling the dissenter a "fag". "It's the perfect rebuttal" says Coulter. "Calling someone a 'fag' today is like calling him a 'communist' in the early 1950s - it's the accusation so serious, even innocence is no defense to it. Plus, as everyone knows: no matter how logical, factual or irrefutably proven any given statement is, it's automatically wrong if it's made by a homosexual. Or even an implied homosexual - and I'M the one doing the implying, remember?" Ann concluded, laughing uncontrollably at her own wit.

Conservative commentators praise Coulter's discovery that 98.4% of all American males are now fags, including former President Bill Clinton, but not, of course, Senator Larry Craig. "How could Larry be a fag? He agrees with me!" Coulter explained. "I'm sure he just had a muscle twitch that made his foot move sideways. Repeatedly."

But it's clear that Coulter's rhetorical style resonates with knuckledragging, drooling, mouth-breathing cretinous punks all across America. And will probably continue to do so for years to come. "Don' give me any of your shit 'bout facts, reason or logic, cause all that's for fags." explains remedial student Dwayne Layne. "Ann said so. What the fuck YOU lookin' at? I think you a fag, too!"

But they stop short of endorsing Coulter herself, expressing certain misgivings about her. Why? Jimmy explains, "Ann's a girl. That means, like, she's got cooties."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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