Overflow, Utah - Before a gathering of five thousand outside the Overflow branch of the JSNMM (Just Say No Monogamous Mormon's Club), presidential hopeful Mitt Romney opened with a rousing line that drew sustained applause.
"I'm handsomer than Hell, and I can't take it anymore!" A close up of his chiseled features flashed on a nearby big screen monitor. "There, I said it. Is everyone happy now?"
After the applause died down, Romney launched into standard GOP rhetoric about plans to end health care, give tax breaks to the wealthiest Americans, and stay the course in the war on terror in Iraq without end amen.
The former Governor was asked by a reporter from nearby Peepstone, if any of his sons had plans to serve in the military.
"No, they won't," he answered. "Just look at 'em, they're all handsomer than hell too, everybody says so, and we can't risk having anything happen to my boys…"
"Besides," Romney continued, "our great battle as a chosen people, the one true religion as you know, was fought by the Latter Day Saints starting way back in the 1800's. Since then, it has all just been an unfolding of God's plan, for Mormonization of the world of course!"
"I hope you know how much it took for us to get where we are today, how many Indians our ancestors had to slaughter to claim this great state of Utah. [Applause] That sacrifice was not made for nothing. It's not like it was done just to get the Olympic Games here a few years ago. Our battle now is an even greater one. Greater than the task of our founders and their many wives."
"Hell yes! That greater battle is to elect me the first Mormon president of the United States of America." [More applause.]
"And I am enlisting all my sons in this battle, along with all Latter Day Saints world-wide, to be praying for grace, for wisdom, for the semi-literate American public to vote for me in the coming elections.
As you know, the honorable George W. Bush is a praying man, but with the direction our country has been going lately, basically down the toilet, it is obvious to me he found Jesus just in time for his gubernatorial election in Texas and that's all. After he won the presidency, his hotline to Jesus must've gone dead or got crossed with the one to Satan. But by the grace of God he is our president, and I say that because God put Bush here for a reason; to mess this country up so bad that only a TRUE Christian leader like myself could take over and make things right."
"As far as Hillary goes, she is no dumb-dumb but you have to ask yourself, why would she go to a womens' college like Radkliffe if it were not to have lez-bean relations. That explains why she didn't care whether Bill played around or not. But can a lez-bean be trusted to lead this country?"
"I am a person of genuine integrity, who unlike a certain disgusting Senator, soon to be former, of Idaho, I really am NOT gay. Nor have I ever been gay, nor will I ever be gay. In fact, I assure you, I am so not gay that I've never even thought of having sex in a men's restroom."
"Let me tell you a story about how not gay I am. When I was young and had the good fortune to see the great Rudolph Nureyev dance a ballet in Boston, never once did I notice his bulging package or wonder what was in there; like how much was balls, how much was funstick, and how much was stuffing. In fact, I didn't even notice he was on stage, because of all the pretty girls. I am just about as straight as they come, and I have six real sons here to prove it. I assure you they are all straight. None were fathered by a turkey baster, surrogate, or other means a gay Republican might use to make a family.
"But back to our current president…does everyone here agree I'm better looking than he is? [applause] He's so tiny! My youngest son (gesturing to his the first son in line near him) could take him in a wrestling match, even if he got drafted and had all his limbs blown off in the war, couldn't you son." His son nodded, handsomely.
Afterward, there was a short private meeting for press during which one reporter asked what Romney meant by his opening statement, about being handsomer than Hell and unable to take it anymore.
"Oh that." he laughed amiably, "That doesn't mean anything. I just thought it sounded good and the people seem to like it. Grabbed your attention, didn't it?"