Andy Rooney goes on tirade, plug pulled on segment-- network narrowly avoids millions in FCC fines

Written by Doug Powers

Monday, 23 May 2005


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image for Andy Rooney goes on tirade, plug pulled on segment-- network narrowly avoids millions in FCC fines
Rooney: "I'd really like to nail Pia Zadora--why is that?"

Andy Rooney, famous for his short commentaries that appear at the end of the long running "60 Minutes" program on CBS, has been fired after launching into what can only be described as a controversial and obcene tirade.

The good news for CBS is that they pulled the plug on Rooney's segment before the most damaging comments would have aired.

Friends and family have long been concerned that Rooney may be mentally slipping, but are now convinced there is a problem.

"Andy's always raised a ton of eyebrows...but usually only when he wakes up in the morning." According to a family friend. "Lately, however, he's been slipping."

Rooney started out with the already well-known comments that were carried over the air, saying that God told him Mel Gibson and Pat Robertson are "wackos", but the rest of the truth has been kept from the general public.

After the initial comments, CBS execs, nervous about where Rooney was heading, along with a new $500,000 fine to be levied against any over the air entity for each obcene comment, decided to end Rooney's segment without telling the commentator.

What follows are some of the other controversial statements made by Rooney in Sunday night's telecast that, thankfully for CBS, never made it on the air:

"People seem to like to masturbate a lot. I do. I'm doing it right now. Why is that? Well, in this case, it's because the woman operating the boom mic, Chloe, has a killer rack. I'd really like to touch them, but I probably won't."

"I'm an Atheist because I always hear that God made man in his own image. What a load of S#*t. Don't get mad at me, just put yourself in my shoes. If you were looking in my bathroom mirror, would you really f$*#@#*g believe that God looks like this?"

"If God did make me in his own image, I feel bad for him, because his nuts must itch an awful lot."

"I schtupped Ed Bradley's wife last night. Don't tell anybody."

"You know that stopwatch they always show between segments? The one that's always going 'tick tick tick tick'? I hear that in my head constantly--and I mean all the time. I killed a hitchhiker once because of that sound. It still didn't make it go away. Tick tick tick tick..."

"Don't you ever wish you could mate with another species of animal and have offspring? I bet some of the babies would be really interesting looking. I'd like to do it with a gazelle, but they can run about 70 miles per hour. Talk about playing hard to get. The last time I was on the Serengeti, I had trouble catching one on foot, so I got in my car and chased it down. It was scared at first. They sure do kick a lot. Why is that?"

"Liza Minelli sure does seem to enjoy marrying, and then beating up, complete queens. She's smoked more fags than Richard Burton after being blown by Liz Taylor on the set of 'Cleopatra'. Why is that?"

"I'm going to start using more street lingo. Why? Because I've always wanted to bust caps on da man, and wonder aloud where all my ho's are at. As a matter of fact, I'm changing the title of my segment to 'A Few Minizels Wit Andy Razooney'... take that, CBS bee-otches!"

"Right now I'm sporting a trouser tent that an entire pack of Boy Scouts could camp under, including their fruity troop leader."

"Does your old lady ever just lay there motionless while you're putting the lumber to her? Does she keep her hands over her ears, yelling 'la la la la...find you're happy place'? Does she call out Mike Wallace's name in the heat of passion? Mine does. Why is that?"

At press time, it was announced that Rooney had been signed to star in "Grumpy Old Men III", along with Ed Asner.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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