Written by Adam Green

Wednesday, 18 February 2004

image for Jason Fallstetler Wins Wisconsin Primary
"It's electric...boogey woogey woogey woogey."

Yesterday's democratic primary proved that cheese isn't the only thing growing in Wisconsin. As the votes were tallied and the major networks began to report, it became evident that this race is far from over. In a quiet suburb south of Milwaukee the household turned campaign base of Jim and Margaret Fallstetler buzzed with activity.

Flyers were being printed on an old Lexmark, and Jim was hard at work with a Sharpie and some poster board showing real grassroots enthusiasm. "We just don't know what to say," said Mr. Fallstetler. "Yesterday we were in the principal's office discussing Jason's expulsion, today we're on the campaign trail. I love this country!"

Jason, engrossed in an online computer game, showed a level of calm that hasn't been seen in this year's race for the presidential nomination. Jason, who just turned 18, had been involved in a dare that turned into a double and then triple dog dare, to try and place his name on the ballot. Much to his friends' surprise he followed through, and now he's smelling the sweet smell of success.

The Kerry camp is reeling from this unexpected blow to their seemingly unstoppable momentum. Mr. Kerry declined comment; however Susan Turvis, his campaign manager, says that it's quite likely Kerry will be removing his name from current ballots, only to return it just before the voting begins. The Kerry camp also plans to run a series of ads exposing Fallstetler's poor attendance record and lack of personal hygiene.

When asked about the situation, candidate John Edwards had this to say about the surprising news: "I understand what it's like to be surprised. I came from the same situation; I was the son of a mill worker and I've seen what corporations can do to a town, taking away jobs and the like and…" When Mr. Edwards was interrupted and told that his response had absolutely nothing to do with the question, he gave an aw shucks smile and hugged everyone.

Republican strategists are already assessing the situation. Karl Rove, the president's chief advisor, declined comment; pundits, however, expect Mr. Rove to assault the media with a torrent of completely false but terribly damaging information about Fallstetler in the months to come.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: cheese, primary

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