WASHINGTON - Michael Chertoff, a janitor at the Department of Homeland Security, said today that he has a "gas feeling" of a heightened threat of an attack by Al Qaeda against the US.
Chertoff said he had pickled vegetables during dinner a few nights ago, and thought they may have been another tainted Chinese product.
"I got a bloated feeling in my gut after eating, so I drank some Pepto and Kaopectate, but it didn't help," Chertoff said, after farting up a cloud in Chicago.
Mr. Chertoff went to his physician the following day and received a colonoscopy and a high-colonic enema. The colonoscopy was unremarkable, but the enema showed that Mr. Chertoff has a swollen brain stem.
He then assumed that the "gas feeling" was nothing more than a sign that the US is in danger of another attack.
When asked by a 'The Spoof' reporter why he depends on his "gas" rather than the trillions of taxpayer dollars spent on US security, and the dozens of new agencies created to protect the nation after 9/11, he had no comment.
Later, Chertoff blamed US citizens for being "complacent," and he also said that new and ambiguous security measures must be taken to protect the government from the people.
He has raised the Terrorist Threat Level to 'RETARD'.
Copyright 2007 Aces-high
