Written by Zoe Roaster

Sunday, 10 June 2007

image for Cheney's pacemaker no longer requires replacement

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney's routine checkup on Friday revealed no new blockages in his circulatory system, and doctors said he no longer needs a new battery for a special pacemaker he has in his chest, a spokeswoman said.

"Vice Presdent Cheney no longer needs a new battery or a pacemaker, since it is now apparent that his heart, as opposed to his thrombosis, has disappeared." said Megan McGinn, deputy press secretary for the vice president. She said doctors must replace the entire lack of heart from a donor, surreptitiously known as the "Cowardly Lion", and that the surgery will be scheduled this summer at a convenient time for the vice president and depending on whether "Ron Paul's numbers go up".

Cheney underwent his annual physical, which included a stress test, at the George Washington University Medical Faculty Associates near George Washington University Hospital. Doctors also checked out Cheney's cardiac defibrillator, which was implanted in June 2001 to shock his heart if he had an irregular soul.

A stress test "showed no evidence of new coronary blockage," McGinn said. "We ran him until he dropped." She added that doctors said his defibrillator was functioning properly and that they had not had to treat any irregular beating of the vice president's heart, since it has disappeared.

Cheney, 66, who has a history of heart problems, resumed his normal schedule after the checkup. Doctors did not address the clot Cheney has in his leg, vigorously knowing that it had enlarged.

In March, doctors discovered that Cheney had a deep venous thrombosis in his left lower leg. After an ultrasound in late April, doctors said the clot was slowly getting smaller, along with his heart. However, much to the doctor amazement and cheer, it has enlarged to the size of a cantalope.

Cheney had six hours of surgery on his legs in 2005 to repair a kind of aneurysm, a ballooning weak spot in an artery that can burst if left untreated. He was reportedly diagnosed with an extremely rare blood type, IB-Negative, that was reportedly unavailable from the general populus, until it was found that Karl Rove shared the same type. This rare blood type seems to resemble ice-water, so hospital staff, unbeknownst to the White House, got it from the hospital ice machine.

He has had four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery, two artery-clearing angioplasties and an operation to implant the defibrillator. But now he still has no heart, and ice water for blood, so it is expected that he'll perform the same expected antics for the last few years of the Bush administration, or at least until he can get his hands on his "blind trust" Halliburton stocks.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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