Classic Cheney fear fest at West Point commencement

Funny story written by John Andreini

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

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In a commencement day appearance before hundreds of graduating cadets at West Point, Vice President Dick Cheney used his speech to attack the Geneva Convention, the U.S. Constitution and democracy in general.

"What good are democratic principals if people are too stupid to abide by them?" asked Cheney. "Democracy in the wrong hands is like giving small children matches to play with. You know what I'm talking about. Someone is going to get hurt. Maybe seriously. Is that right? Is that responsible? American's don't need an elected president. They need a big daddy who will protect them and tuck them into bed at night and take them bowling. Families are not democracies"

Cheney went on to argue for the benefits of torture. "The Geneva Convention has tied our hands for too long. Now that's torture. Just kidding. Our enemies are ruthless and bloodthirsty, and we must be as well. What's a little electric shock or fingernail pulling in the larger war on terrorism? Democrats would have us rent rooms at the Hilton for terror suspects, and serve them caviar and crumpets. No thumbscrews. No waterboarding. No endless loop of C-Span. I'm sure they'd even object to using prisoners as human ashtrays. What are we supposed to do? Tickle confessions out of them?"

The vice president ended his remarks with these dire warnings. "Al Qaida is here in the United States. It is interwoven into the very fabric of American society. Who knows? The guy sitting next to you might be planning the next 9/11. Go ahead. Check his Palm Pilot. Let me leave you with one important piece of advice as you head off to your new assignments around the globe where you may very will die to keep your uncle's Hummer full of fuel: You're Americans. Shoot first. Ask questions later. Thank you all and good luck."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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