Financial Freedom without Underwear

Funny story written by Leanna Lawrence McCormick

Monday, 2 February 2004

image for Financial Freedom without Underwear
The man who puts the twinkle in twinkletoes, Mr. Alan Greenspan.

Washington, DC- In a move that rocked the financial marketplace, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan announced a revolutionary five-step plan to help Americans get out of debt.

"Debt has become a huge problem in this country," stated Greenspan during a briefing Tuesday. "My plan virtually eliminates debt completely. The key is the five-step process, which must be closely followed. I'm not wearing any underwear."

After giving the audience time to boggle that last comment, the humorous Chairman continued to explain that the first step is to take out as many home equity loans as possible. "I recognize that some people don't own their own homes," said Greenspan. "Those individuals should either skip this step or apply for no equity loans and get themselves into the largest mortgage they can."

Second, according to Greenspan, it's important to take out at least two very, very large vehicle loans. "Trade in any vehicle over two years old and go for something brand new, if possible," explained the Chairman. He stresses the importance of borrowing the largest amount offered, regardless that the vehicle will always be worth a fraction of what you owe on it. "I recommend German cars."

The next step is to buy new furniture for every room of your home. "Don't use actual money for these purchases," advised Greenspan. "Rather, take advantage of the lines of credit offered by most furniture stores. Purchase from multiple stores if you can't get enough credit at one. Really go crazy with this step, and impress those Jones's."

The fourth step in Greenspan's plan is a cycle of maxing out your credit cards and applying for new cards. "I recommend applying for cards at your favorite shopping venues as well. Don't worry about small details like interest rates and membership fees at this time," said Greenspan.

Once you have completed all the previous steps, which may take several weeks, sit back and wait until either you can no longer make the minimum monthly payments on your loans, or you are strongly considering suicide. "At this time," explained Greenspan, "file for bankruptcy. If you have followed my plan correctly, you'll be debt-free and have lots and lots of stuff!"

Note: Chairman Greenspan is a charmer for sure, but we shouldn't take his advice as the only path to a debt-free lifestyle. Common sense still dictates that the best way to stay out of debt is to "only buy things you can actually pay for. Like with money."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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