A.G. Alberto Gonzales Not Guilty: Case Closed, Gonzales Says

Funny story written by Armedus Chunsky

Sunday, 20 May 2007

image for A.G. Alberto Gonzales Not Guilty: Case Closed, Gonzales Says
Alberto Gonzales - Not guilty

After the conviction of Vice President Cheney's aide Scooter Libby and the resignation of Deputy Attorney General Paul J. McNulty, many in the media have accused top Bush administration of forcing others to take the wrap for crimes that they did not commit. Now these so-called journalists at NBC and other bias news organizations do not know what they are talking about and should be silenced, blacklisted, tortured, and burned at the stake live on Hannity and Colmes. We are fair and the stake is balanced.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, or as President Bush has humorously nicknamed him, AG-AG, had better put this ordeal behind him. And if you expect him to apologize, you have another thing coming. The only thing he has to apologize for is for not using torture against those activist judges. And besides, he is not going to apologize for something that he did not do. The next thing you know people will be demanding that Vice President Cheney apologize for shooting his friend in the face! Attorney General Gonzales, who has never acknowledged knowing anything about the firings, used intimidation to prove his innocence, and prove the left-wing talking-points to be moot and irrelevant. The Attorney General released a statement saying, "You have such a really nice Constitution, there. It would be a real shame if something unfortunate were to happen to it."

Now some might assume that the Attorney General was behind wrong-doing, but those who accuse him or wrong-doing are the wrong-doers. They are with the terrorists. The fact of the matter is that the politically motivated firings are the fault of the Democrats. That's right; without Congressional oversight there wouldn't have been any firings at all: at least not any public knowledge of them. How dare the Democrats hold the administration official's feet to the fire and use the tools they have at their disposal to do so. As far as I am concerned, "If there was no affair, how dare!"

To be frankly honest, I was more comfortable having a Republican controlled Congress. They gave him a rubber stamp, a carefully selected team of his dorm friends and drinking buddies, and a teleprompter and let him decide whatever he wanted to. Why should I be suspicious when the administration is justified under the law to spy on me and my friends without Congressional approval? For all I know my friends could be double agents working for Al-Qaeda. You can never be too careful, which is why I detained them until further notice.

Again, the Democratic Congress is getting in the way of the rapture. Any day now, the twenty eight percent of Americans who believe that President Bush holds the moral compass to guide our nation to heaven will be rewarded for their faith-based beliefs. Reverend Jerry Fallwell's death is overwhelming proof that the rapture is well on its way. He led the charge for salvation in life and now he is leading the charge for the rapture in death. Jerry just has to give the go ahead to Jesus and your streets will be flowing with lava and hell stone. Take that, San Francisco!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more