Juneau, Alaska - (Ass Mess): The White House ordered a massive show of strength today in the Corrupt Bastards Club-riddled shores around Juneau where a Nam Vet and satirist has been holding out lampooning the Bush Administration's freefall into ignominous disaster.
At dawn this morning the USS Bunker Hunt, a 567 foot Ticonderoga-class cruiser - armed with advanced phased array radar allowing tracking of a multitude of targets in all directions simultaneously - docked just yards from the reporter's office.
As a platform for the AEGIS Weapons System, the USS Bunker Hunt bristles with an assortment of air, surface, subsurface and land attack missiles which today were gleaming in the early morning sun, and pointing in just one direction.
The ship's gun systems are also said to be able to shoot down incoming aircraft or missiles and are deployable to support forces on shore.
Their ability to sense an oncoming satire piece and randomly destroy it at 500 paces is legendary in the satire industry despite the latest firewall technology which guarantees Bush-bash pieces failing to get shot down with alarming frequency.
So why so much hardware outside the office of the Corrupt Bastards Club's local worst nightmare whose scathing wit has kept the CBC's antics the butt of derision for weeks on end?
"I guess it was this morning's piece entitled "Wheels Done Run Off " The George W. Bush Caravan," said a source referring to the story about tales of derring-do in the Mountains of West Virginia.
"The President is right cussed about it. So he's sent in the Bunker Hunt to scare 'em all shitless. Specially the writer fella who's telling 'em all 'Bong Hits 4 Corrupt Bastards and Juneau School Board!'
The choice of the USS Bunker Hunt is a bit of an enigma.
The cruiser/destroyer is named after Texan oil billionaire Nelson Bunker Hunt who with his brother Wiliam Herbert Bunker Hunt and some dodgy Saudis - Sheik Mohammed Aboud Al-Amoudi and Sheik Ali Bin Mussalem - formed a Bermuda-based company to corner the world's silver market in the 1970s.
Along the Bunker Hunts' journey to silver heaven the El Dorado-born gamblers acquired a bevy of investors including the Shah of Persia, Ferdinand Marcos, the Agha Khan, Adnan Khashoggi, Kamel Adham, Manuel Noriega, Mikhail Ghorbachev and Sonia Ghandi.
"These Cold War big shots were the original International Corrupt Bastards Club of which today's members are mere surviving offshoots," the source added.
"But the Bunker Hunts bubble burst in the collapse of the silver market which by 1987 meant their liabilities had grown to nearly $2.5 billion against assets of $1.5 billion.
"In August of 1988 the Hunts were convicted of conspiring to manipulate the market and all hell broke loose in the Vice President George Herbert Bush's department as Ronald Reagan bank manager rang with the bad news that his personal investment was over $2 million down the pan.
"The blame for that catastrophe eventually fell on Nancy's astrologer pal."
Just before the silver fiasco blew up in their faces the Reagan Administration comissioned the USS Bunker Hunt, on
September 20, 1986.
The cruiser/destroyer has a crew of nearly 400 and is powered by four General Electric gas turbines with a top speed 32.5 knots, or just over 37 miles per hour.
Navy sources descxribe it as the first ship to launch Tomahawk land attack cruise missiles during the start of the air war known as Operation Iraqi Freedom.
It has won five consecutive "battle efficiency" awards, recognizing battle readiness in a variety of areas including of the Spokane trophy for being the most "combat ready" in 2006.
"They'll never take me alive!" were the last words audible from the intrepid Juneau satirist as the Spoof went to press this evening.