Juneau - (Ass Mess): FBI sources have said that the near capsize of Majestic America's Empress of the North this week may have been a cynical attempt by the Corrupt Bastards Club to scuttle the jinxed and disaster-prone vessel for the insurance money after the failure of a lengthy advertising promotion discounting passenger fares by up to 75%.
"We checked ticket prices paid by this week's passengers and found that 90% of them had either free or heavily-discounted accommodation," an investigation source said today.
"The boat was relying on the on-board bar sales to lift revenues.
"Unfortunately, the vast majority of the 250-odd passengers were from a local Alaskan teetotal association which once had a successful legal fight with the Corrupt Bastards Club.
"The lawsuit was over allegations of CBC drunken incompetence, loose behavior and incitement of minors to pervert the course of justice.
"The plaintiffs successfully argued that corrupt behavior was seen by the Bastards as a desirable character trait in the hiring of employees both in senior state legislature positions as well as in the oil services industry.
"This week's Empress incident could be a Corrupt Bastards' tit for tat reprisal. We're looking into it."
The vessel was equipped with state of the art navigation technology but ran around on the Heinous (sic) Reef fifteen miles outside Juneau. It is now lying in Alaskan waters.
Owners Majestic America issued a bullish statement saying:
"Empress of the North is one of the highest slated small cruise ships in the world after four disasters involving wholly avoidable obstacles such as reefs and sandbanks.
"She delivers an exceptional experience to our guests, many of whom would not have had the opportunity for a full-scale sea and air disaster rescue during their lifetimes were it not for events this week on our ship.
"As tour operators we know that there are numerous ways of rating a good vacation, one that you want to tell your friends about the moment you get home, one that you can't wait to repeat, one where there are little, if any, travel snafus.
"Knowing who to trust when planning a sea vacation is vital. There's also the romance of the old whaling days, and we feel sure our passengers cannot help but to be fascinated by the stories of this bygone era, of those men who paddled out in small boats armed with rescue equipment while passenger liners were in danger of sinking........."