Juneau - (Ass Mess): Unpeturbed that its flagship paddlesteamer Empress of the North has now notched up four consecutive hits on sandbanks, rocks and other maritime obstacles, Majestic America continues to entice prospective passengers with the idyllic lure of a 75% discount on their fabled boat cruises to notable marine hazards including reefs, unexploded floating World War II ordnance, Bermuda Triangle-type of no-go-areas and assorted maritime hazards like oil spills and scuttle wreckage.
It's proud advertising campaign sees no sense in downplaying some of the lesser attractions that a cruise on one of their vessels might entail such as ending up listing at 8 degrees outside Juneau after hitting the Heinous (sic) Reef:
"The Empress of the North, the only overnight sternwheeler cruising Alaska, maintains a balance of yesterday's hysteric charm and today's passenger evacuation procedure," says the company's PR blurb.
"Easy-going yet elegant, the 231-guest sternwheeler offers all outside staterooms with large river view windows onto the exact spot where Corrupt Bastards Club Bruce Weyhrauch fell off his dumbass boat on 27 April in a mystery slippage from the deck.
"The Empress has many modern conveniences like a refrigerator, mini-bar, individual thermostat, CD-player and television and on-board indicator of the next sandbank, reef or rock formation the vessel is likely to hit while you are tucked up asleep and blissfully unaware of any impending hazards.
"The spacious bathroom includes a shower, hair dryer, clothesline and vanity with abundant storage space which will soon fill up with brine the next time we smash into some wholly avoidable marine obstacle like unexploded World War II ordnance etc.
"The Empress of the North features an extensive gallery of hysteric artwork and artifacts from Alaska and the Pacific Northwest, including a rare collection of Russian nesting dolls, Fabergé eggs and native Alaskan masks and carvings.
"These are insured, and anybody ransacking these as marine booty in the event of the vessel capsizing and shedding her contents will be arrested and charged with theft.
"Hysteric photographs and documents highlight Gold Rush hystery, and an onboard hysterian leads daily presentations and discussions. You can relax in the Paddlewheel Lounge, be entertained in the Golden Nugget Showroom, or unwind in the Calliope Bar and Grill. Of course if we've just hit yet anther sandbank or lock and are listing dangerously these on-board attractions may lose some of their appeal.
"As long as you don't get sea sick, e-coli poisoning or salmonella you can enjoy varied cuisine in The Romanov Dining Room, which features elaborately-carved columns, luxurious chandeliers and a faux sky-domed ceiling which, our insurers agree, could prove less than waterproof if the vessel capsizes outside, say, Juneau after hitting yet another reef.
"Click here to Show Me The Deals!"