Written by Shirley Knott

Sunday, 8 April 2007

image for John McCain Security Act Introduced By Republicans In Congress

WASHINGTON - Republicans of the U.S. House of Representatives convened tonight an emergency partisan meeting to immediately craft a bill titled the John McCain Indiana Farmers Market Security Act.

Republican Congressman Mike Pence of Indiana, who recently strolled through a Baghdad bazaar with Republican presidential hopeful John McCain, told reporters that the Iraq experience was similar to "a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime."

As reported by journalist Frank Rich of the New York Times, McCain sauntered through the Iraq bazaar while heavily protected by more than one hundred American soldiers, three Black Hawk helicopters, two Apache gunships, and a bulletproof vest.

According to a Republican Congressman requesting press anonymity, Pence's observation shocked Republican House members. Upon notification of Pence's statement, House Republicans met to craft an emergency bill for increased security at Indiana farmers markets.

"We had never realized the severe Islamofacist terrorist threat to Indiana's outdoor shoppers," said the Republican. "We knew we had to immediately beef up Indiana farmers market security or face a mushroom cloud in downtown Fort Wayne."

As stated in the legislation, the John McCain Indiana Farmers Market Security Act mandates the addition of retinal scanners for vendors of and visitors to Indiana's farmers markets. National Guard battalions of 25 per 500 visitors per market will be deployed, and shoppers will be required to present valid U.S. passports before passing through metal detectors. Black Hawk helicopters will be deployed only to Indiana markets hosting more than 15 vendors.

In a possibly related item, Rich also reported that Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, while visiting the Iraq bazaar along with McCain and Pence, excitedly told reporters "I bought five rugs for five bucks!" but House Republicans have given no indication that Indiana rug makers will be forced to reduce their homespun carpet prices.


Shirley Knott reporting from Washington.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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