Written by Blind Fool -••-

Friday, 9 January 2004

image for Teen Avoids Killing Own Family By Taking "Deep Breath"
Here Bobby Reenacts How The Deep Breath Made Everything Better

Duluth, Minnesota-A suburban neighborhood is shocked to learn that one of their own families came a hair's wisp away from becoming another grim statistic. The Jergensens had no idea that they had become the target of the enemy within.

Bobby Wayne Jergensen, a disgruntled and confused 18 year old, tinkered dangerously close to the edge of no return Saturday night when he planned and almost executed the execution of his entire family, including their pet frog Burpee.

His discovered lost diary, which he likes to call his "Manifesto of Manhood," is an eclectic collection of Britney Spears doodles, video game cheat notes, and random thoughts from his brain. In it we learned of the dark hobgoblins that relentlessly tormented his soul day and night (including weekends).

Bobby, who likes to be called "Robert," wrote that his dad sometimes refused to give him whatever he wanted and this caused some "friction" between them. Bobby cited no irregularities in his maternal relationship other than she frowned on his liking zydeco rap music.

He revealed a deep irritation with his younger sister, Barbie, because she seemed to have the perfect life - one he knew he could never have. "She thinks she's so perfect getting good grades and obeying the old man and old lady and stuff," Bobby penned. "That's so lame-o." (Drew sarcastic doodle of her face.)

There was also a poem written that has literary psychologists squabbling about it's intended meaning, but appears to be lamenting the recent marriage of Mrs. Spears in Las Vegas. (Drew sketch of Britney that looked almost identical to the previous sarcastic doodle of his sister.)

Lastly, it was learned that he got tired of people calling it his "diary," and that he recently found out that Burpee was in fact a toad and not a frog. This appears to be what pushed Bobby to an afternoon of laziness and self-indulgence.

For hours he played violent video games (but couldn't cheat because he had lost the diary with cheat notes, which upset him all the more), ate more junk food than usual, drank some fermented grape juice found in the back of the fridge, all the while listening to the "Cajun Bruthas" greatest hits MP3 collection including their hit single 'Slap Gator'.

Bobby finally lost it. He left the basement, grabbed a pistol from the gun cabinet and ran amok looking for his family so as to kill them. They couldn't be located so he went outside for a stealth commando search. While outside, he noticed the light on in Barbie's room and remembered that they were all in there redecorating it.

He was about to go wipe them out when an idea crept up from the deep recesses of his mind. That idea was to take a deep breath.

So Bobby took that deep breath. He inhaled through the nose and exhaled through the mouth. It apparently worked because Bobby didn't douse the flames of their existence. He quietly went back inside, put the pistol back, and fell sleep.

Officials are claiming that trendy colorful mental-health posters located throughout the school cafeteria, as well as public service announcements from pro athletes who were forced to do so as community service for their own convictions of domestic violence, are to get the credit for avoiding this possible and senseless tragedy.

Bobby is now a model citizen, student, brother, and son. He's started an after school program for kids in the area, and now only plays non-violent video games such as Frogger with his best friend Burpee along-side cheering him on.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Family, Minnesota

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