Written by Dan H.

Saturday, 22 November 2003

Pine Harbor, Minnesota- "It was horrific," recalls a solemn Susan Miller. "I was checking out my gathered goods like normal and the cashier asked me for my savings card and then I continued emptying my cart."

"When I got home I emptied my packed goods only to encounter squished bread. I have heard stories of this, but I never thought it would happen to me. No, I kept telling myself incessantly, I could never be a victim. Not I [tear squirts out of left eye and collide with applied Mascara]." Susan Miller is a victim of a ghastly doing that affects millions. Though it is not a crime, bread squishing should be.

Susan Miller is only one of the millions of Americans that this epidemic has struck. Currently, according to the American Society for Battered Bread Squished Victims (ASBBV), there are some 7.15 million people throughout continental United States with the condition.

"The number is in accurate," reports Sib Montgomery from the Council Bluffs based ASBBSV. "There are some people who just refuse to believe that they fall into the category of a battered bread squished victim and never come in for counseling. It is those people that we try to find before it is too late."

Common symptoms in a battered bread squished victim are:

  • Constant farting
  • Significant increase in the radius of pit stains
  • Boils the size of a portabella mushroom on the underside of the gluteus maximums
  • Increase in viewing hours of Trading Spaces
  • Seizures
  • and Death.

"It scared me," continues an unstable Susan Miller, "I will never be the same person that I was before the incident. The only good that came out of this fiasco is that the eggs were unscathed."

Susan Miller was lucky, the symptoms were caught soon and counseling is being administered. Though she is forced to digest plethora of useless pills, Susan Miller is a success story. The outcome could have been bleak.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Eggs, Minnesota

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