Cheney Improves in Cardiac Rehab Program

Written by Evan Essence

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

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La Jolla, California - Doctors say Vice-President Dick Cheney has shown great improvement from a cardiac rehab program he was admitted to 6 months ago. They say they are optimistic about the prognosis for the vice-president, who has suffered from 4 heart attacks, has undergone quadruple by-pass surgery, 2 angioplasties, and has a special pacemaker called an implantable cardioverter defibrillator.

Major discoveries in cardiology, in recent decades, have given modern doctors new concepts, tools, and techniques for the treatment of cardiovascular disease. Dr. Dean Ornish was among the first to demonstrate that the progression of cardiac disease could actually be reversed, using diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, and group support. The traditional model of Western medicine (that the heart is nothing more than an electromechanical pump) has been overthrown by new research in neurochemistry, which has shown that the heart has a complex network of neurons and neurotransmitters, involving intelligence, and decision-making, and is the seat of emotions such as joy, love and bliss.

Dr. Guarneri, of the Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine, reports, that when Mr. Cheney first entered the program, he refused to participate in any of the group therapy programs, and rejected suggestions that "prayer, positive thinking, love-thy neighbor..and all that huey..." would do anything for his health. However, eventually he tried out a more solitary form of silent, Zen walking meditation, and EKG recorders demonstrated that his heart waveform was improving.

Dr. Guarneri elaborated that Mr. Cheney displays the withdrawn, hostile personality profile known to be most conducive to heart disease. "He projects an ultra-macho, super-arrogant attitude, but beneath the surface, his heart bears a tragic burden of contradiction and sorrow. What we Have seen, is that his heart has actually been committing suicide, and disintegrating, as he has waged the bombing campaign, and occupation of Iraq," Guarneri reported.

During the course of his stay in the program, Cheney has become much more involved in, and even excited about the program. It has been reported that he has even encouraged George Bush to join a program in Transcendental Meditation designed to stimulate dampened neuronal functions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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