Close on the heels of the worldwide SARS scare, and with the country battling a burgeoning influenza epidemic, the U.S. Center for Disease Control has released the results of its investigation of a mysterious ailment appearing in many states.
The condition, dubbed Nuclear Umbilical Tendril Syndrome, or "NUTS," is manifested by an irresistible craving to know which country or countries might have a possible potential capability of intending to, fantasizing about, or toying with the idea of developing a hypothetical proposition of using nuclear technology for any conceivable purpose at any time in the future.
Reports of NUTS began in early 2002 and have been increasing steadily since then. Thus far, cases of NUTS have been characterized by inordinate chattering of teeth, excessive nervous perspiration, fierce resistance to any logical argument, and massive stockpiling of personal firearms, plastic sheeting, and duct tape.
The condition appears to cross all ethnic, gender, and social class lines. Outbreaks have been reported in many locations, but the geographic origin has been traced to Washington DC.
CDC scientists warn that the insidious disease spreads primarily along major media channels.
To prevent further outbreaks and perhaps even reverse the debilitating effects of NUTS, the CDC strongly recommends avoiding exposure to all American major media programming, and tuning one's television and radio dials to alternative channels.
In the words of the CDC press release on the subject: "This may be our only hope of breaking the deadly NUTS' stranglehold on our nation."
