Written by Doug Powers

Wednesday, 24 December 2003

image for Terror suspects granted full access to US courts, immediately sue McDonalds, "Big tobacco"
Members of California's 9th Circuit Court deliberate before issuing a ruling

Immediately following California's 9th Circuit Federal Appeals Court ruling that suspected terrorists being held at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base in Cuba should have access to lawyers and the American court system, all hell broke loose.

A Pentagon spokesman outlined the first lawsuit. "Within ten minutes of the ruling, a portly prisoner with high blood pressure and a body fat count so high that doctors measure his cholesterol level using a viscosity rating, filed suit against McDonalds."

The prisoner, known only as "Jamil Jihad", has never even eaten at a McDonalds, but he might have, which would have worsened his condition, according to Mr. Jihad's attorney, Stu Frivoloustien.

So far, of the 660 detainees at Guantanamo, 622 have filed suit in American courts, and lawyers from the states are flocking to the military base.

Other lawsuits filed by the terrorist suspects:

--27 slip-and-fall lawsuits, 3 of which claim that the steps leading into the detention center slick with milk a soldier had earlier spilled, which wasn't properly cleaned up.

--21 claims that the hoods their captors put over their heads contained dangerous levels of asbestos.

--36 suits filed against Microsoft, claiming that Windows XP often crashed and interfered with planning sessions in terrorist chat rooms, costing them time and money.

--14 suspected members of the al Qaeda network filed suit while wearing neck braces, claiming that the man driving the transfer truck hit the brakes too hard at a stop sign.

--184 lawsuits demanding relief from the United States Government, claiming that the MOAB, or "Mother Of All Bombs", caused them full or partial hearing loss.

--1 suit against Broward County, Florida, demanding that the ballot recount be restarted immediately. This lawsuit was filed anonymously.

--46 claims against Phillip Morris and other tobacco companies claiming that chemicals in cigarettes dramatically shorten the life expectancy of suicide bombers.

--19 sexual harassment suits, accusing several G.I. captors of inappropriate and overzealous frisking.

In addition, it has been learned that attorneys for suspected terrorists are also preparing lawsuits against several other companies, including KFC, the company that makes Lawn Darts, several American arms manufacturing companies that make bombs with small parts that are choking hazards, Seagrams, Boeing, and Martha Stewart.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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