Man Comes Out As Mass Murderer

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Wednesday, 18 December 2019

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I've got a few pieces of lead for you to eat.

A man from Silver Spring, Maryland announced to the world that he is a mass murderer. John Nefarious made the announcement while burying one of his victims in the basement of the Library of Congress. When he entered the Library of Congress carrying his deceased victim over his shoulder, he told security the body was none other than that of his mother-in-law. He said he was going to bury her in the library, where she can be enlightened in death by the world’s greatest trove of literature. Security empathized with Nefarious, and let him borrow a jack hammer and a shovel as well as 3 bags of cement mix..

When asked why he decided to come out, Nefarious replied: “I just could not live anymore keeping the secret to myself. In today’s accepting society, I realize that people will accept you as you are”.

He, also, wanted to be addressed by his preferred pronoun of cutthroat.

When asked, at what point in time he realized he was a mass murderer, Nefarious replied:

“It was at the age of 10 when I offed my three siblings with a claw hammer. I knew I was different than everybody else. My parents thought I was just going through a phase and nothing more. Even at 13, when I annihilated my two neighbors with a hand mixer, they still never suspected. I felt very much alone because I had no one to converse with who understood what I was going through. There just wasn’t anyone around me who identified as a mass murderer.”

Currently, John has been petitioning Congress to introduce a bill that would add mass murder to the Title VII Civil Rights Act, which makes it illegal to discriminate against employment on the basis of sex, race, color, national origin and religion. Arkansas representation Leroy Hack has taken up Nefarious’s request, and is currently petitioning other House members to back the bill.

As of press time, Nefarious announced at a Catholic Church that he was a mass murderer, and on a mission. The priest blessed him, after which he murdered the priest and the entire congregation with an AR-15 assault rifle.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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