Minneapolis, Minnesota. Angry, volatile, emotionally explosive, and basically upset with life in general, Calculus Professor, Hugh Lane, 57, confessed, Thursday, that he can't wait to unleash hideous and unholy amounts of torture and punishment on students during final exams next December.
Knowing that they are young, naïve, stressed out, and somewhat confused about the direction of their lives, Mr. Lane has already constructed a new comprehensive test that will completely "floor" nearly every section of his Calculus 1 and 2 courses.
With his own insecurities always boiling directly underneath the surface, Hugh desperately needs to see the excruciating pain on the faces of his students as they struggle through the limits of exponential functions, inverse tangents, quotient rules, sines, cosines, trigonometric substitutions, implicit differentiations, applied maxima and minima, detailed graphing, and intermediate value theorems during a 56-minute test.
"These students are going to be extremely burned-out at the end of the semester, and many of them are going to want to go home and spend the holidays with family and friends," Hugh explained.
"So, I want to make sure they feel 'really bad' about something before they do that," he added.
Although he claims that his carefully-planned strategies for destroying Christmas every year and making other people cry has nothing to do with his shameless depravity, his previous rejections from women, or the simple fact that it makes him feel 'really good inside,' Lane continually enjoys breaking down and relentlessly crushing weary youngsters who may already be severely depressed.
"There is a point when an individual who has been held to high standards finally breaks down before endless tears start rolling, and that's what always puts a big smile on my face," he confessed before giving a detailed explanation of the numerous reasons why he would never want to feel the same way himself.
"Yeah, you can put that right there!"..."You'll never be an engineer!"... and..."How did you like that? Bitch!" are just a few of the statements that the tenured professor can't wait to say to the students who place the 7-page exam on his desk before making plans to transfer to other colleges.