BILLINGSGATE POST: Never buy a pig in a poke. In the Provence region of France, an area known for being a source of truffles, a 300-pound sow named Bernadette fought her master to the finish in a battle over a black truffle. The northern part of the Vaucluse region of Provence produces over 70% of French truffles. These culinary delicacies are so expensive they are known as black diamonds.
Bernadette was purchased by Jacques Capet, a Frenchman of royal birth who claimed to be a descendant of Hugh Capet. The Capetians ruled France from 1814 to 1848, just preceding the ascendancy of Napoleon Bonaparte. Bernadette, who was not of royal birth, was purchased by Jacques nearly three years ago for the purpose of rooting-out truffles. Weighing only 25 pounds at the time, how was Jacques to know that she would grow to a behemoth capable of mayhem of the worst order?
Jacques loved hunting truffles with his pet pig. In fact, his relationship with Bernadette became so close that Jacques' wife became suspicious, even to the point of hooking up a video camera in the pig pen to memorialize any illicit activity between the two. Her greatest fear was manifested when she saw her husband having a dalliance with Bernadette. Even worse, he was holding a pole with a mirror dangling from the end in front of her head. It seems that Jacques wanted to see if Bernadette was smiling while he was poking her from the rear.
With the black truffle harvest in full swing, Jacques once again hooked-up his beloved Bernadette. With her snout to the ground she went to work; her 300 pounds of bacon heaving and hustling as she sniffed out the buried morsels. Usually, upon discovering the morsels, she would oblige her lover by moving away, letting him finish the job by gathering the precious black diamonds.
This time, however, Bernadette was pissed; a scorned pig is not to be trifled with. She knew that Jacques gave these truffles to his wife in order to placate her for his unfaithfulness. When Jacques reached down to grab the truffles, Bernadette jumped him from behind. Believe me. If you have ever been jumped from behind by a 300-pound sow with malice in her heart, you would understand.
It was not a fair fight at all. Jacques went down for the count in less than three minutes. A month later, Bernadette was adopted by the now widow, and both live happily without him.
NOTE: The murder was never investigated by the gendarmes. For whom would believe that the widow Capet and Bernadette conspired in this crime? A lesson to be learned: Never buy a pig in a poke.