London - (Ass Mess): Death Wish film trilogy director Michael Winner, notorious for his po-faced restaurant reviews and extravagant winter breaks in the Carribean, is under armed guard in a private London medical facility after complaining to police that someone slipped him a Plutonium 210-style mickey fin in Barbados that resulted in a massive blister attack on his left leg which may now need amputating.
Winner, 71, is being treated at the Heather Mills Ward of the Barking Clinic where his condition has been described as 'pretentious'.
He has asked for a police investigation into the suspicion that his condition is directly connected to turning down a royal Out of Body Experience - OBE - from the Queen last year after telling the press that the honor is reserved for Kings Cross toilet cleaners.
The movie man is a sycophantic fine dining enthusiast and writes a weekly column for the Sunday Fascist where he extols the virtues of little-known Alpine bistros located on the edges of perilously-sited mountain ravines.
Hundreds of readers have complained that his dining recomendations have resulted in their near death experiences as their cars plummeted down rocky cliff faces before they could get to their Michelin-starred meals. Some have even claimed that despite the perils of their journeys they actually arrived at their stated destinations only to find the restaurant closed for the holidays and an avalanche blocking the only return route home.
The newspaper is expecting his 1,000 word review of the haute cuisine of the Barking facility by midday tomorrow.
