In light of clergy sex-abuse scandals that have rocked the Catholic Church over the past five years, priests convicted of sexual crimes will not only have to answer to God and their Parishioners, but also to "El Diablo," the mechanical bull.
"This is just the first step," said Bishop Larry Mayhan head of the Diocese of Austin, Texas. "After several rides on "El Diablo" sex-offending priests will be required to ride a real bull in the rodeo for incurvating priests."
This measure comes at a time when the Catholic Church is searching for answers not only to the emotional scars left behind, but also to financial ones.
"We're hoping that the bull riding will add a sense of justice and possibly some levity for everyone," said Father Walt Garrison priest at St. Patrick's Catholic Church in Stoneham, Mass. "We need to get that sense of community back into our churches. We're also hoping that the rodeo will help us raise money to pay our bills."
What Father Garrison was referring to was the expensive lawsuits filed against Catholic Churches in the past year.
"We've had four dioceses that have gone bankrupt," he said. "They were in Portland, Ore.; Tucson, Ariz.; Davenport, Iowa; and Spokane, Washington. The Spokane Archdiocese just last week agreed to pay more than $48 million to settle claims. In California alone, settlement costs have exceeded $200 million."
But many say that money and apologies are not going to be enough to correct the problem of necking priests that reform has to begin much deeper and within.
"What needs to happen," says psychologist and former monk, Cary Winchester who has spent the last 40 years studying sexuality and the priesthood "is these priests need to be 'retrained'. Currently, they are given no outlet for what Mother Nature has given to these men naturally and in abundance as a gift. Where are they taught that masturbation is ok? And if you want a magazine to go with that, go ahead. What they've been given all along is the control thing, that your body is a burden. Detach yourselves and rise. Hold back on all of your natural urges. But this kind of repression, as we've seen, what would otherwise come out naturally, actually causes them to come out in perverse and aberrant ways. It's like pulling the reins back on a horse that wants to gallop. You're just not going to win."
To aid these findings, in the summer of 2002, American bishops met in Dallas and passed a set of guidelines, known as the Dallas Masturbation and Bull Riding Charter.
In the charter, mechanical bulls are being made available in seminaries, so that students might practice bull riding and get a feel for what riding a real bull is all about. This, elder Bishops were hoping would act as a deterrent for the young priests.
Also, seminaries would be holding masturbation seminars for young students, teaching them that it is perfectly acceptable in the eyes of the God to masturbate, even with a magazine, that this was a form of self-celebration and celebration of the Creation that reaffirmed both humanity in its participants and also their divine nature.
The charter also allowed for retraining of nuns to act as rodeo clowns in priest bull riding events.
Hundreds of bishops are reported lining up to ride "El Diablo" including, Cardinal Bernard Law formerly of Boston Parrish, the only high-ranking church official to lose his job over abuse scandals.
"We're trying to solve this crises before it's too late," said Sister Mary Elephant, senior staff member at St. Patrick's.
In other news today, George Bush lines up as "one of the boys" and wants to ride "El Diablo." He feels that if he can stay on the bull for the mandatory eight seconds that he is looked favorably in the eyes of God and that his decision to go into Iraq was a good one. If he falls off, well, then "El Diablo" will have gotten his revenge.
