Pat Robertson warned of Yahweh's thunderbolt season

Funny story written by queen mudder

Friday, 5 January 2007

image for Pat Robertson warned of Yahweh's thunderbolt season
Is God stalking evangelical assholes like Robertson

Virginia Beach - (Ass Mess): Age-defying protein pancake peddler and evangelical bigot the Reverend Pat Robertson has once again tempted the derision of Jehovah by terrifying TheoCon TV viewers with his prediction of the killing of millions of American this year: "The Lord told me so", he said on the 700 Club with the same supremely confident swagger that advised US President George Bush that the Iraq invasion would be without casualties as it was a God-given righteous cause out of the Bible.

Now not content with with his career-best claims to being the all-time US national buffoonery champion, Robertson has said that he receives regular messages from God on his annual prayer retreat - of the kind that would normally result in swift psychiatric certification for chronic psychosis.

2007 may see Robertson attempting to find succour in foreign lands as his Iraq war predictions go down the pan and his influence on White House Middle East military strategy is revealed as the hallucinatory rantings of a deranged old closet queen.

But the old Reverend is running out of locations to inflict himself on, having vilified his way throughout the atlas with memorable defamations on nations and individuals who do not necessarily agree with his rabid interpretation of reality.

A little holiday in Scotland, perhaps? Unlikely. In 2000 he claimed the country was a 'dark land overrun by homosexuals' after a business venture with a Scottish bank to provide millions of US nationals with 'ethical Christian financial services' fell flat on its face.

A trip to the Holy Land maybe? Mmmm. In 2006 Robertson blamed Ariel Sharon's stroke and semi-vegetative state on the Lord's wrath for giving away too much land to the Palestinian infidels.

Or how about a vacation in Venezuela? Only if the life insurance holds out. Robertson has persistently called for the US assassination of president Hugo Chavez and chided the CIA for failing to take him out when they had a chance.

So how about closer to home, say in Dover, Pennsylvania? Back in 2005 Robertson unleashed his fury on the town for throwing out the entire intelligent design-supporting school board committee and hexed the population with a prophecy that Biblical-strength retribution would come to them as a punishment from God.

So far however no show. But the string of disasters that has recently befallen the Bush Adinistration whom he advises may be stalking Robertson himself now, as a particularly lethal and unpredictable tempest begins to gather speed and Yahweh's thunderbolts start itching for a few bullseye pitches into the humbug sector of New Testament interpretation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more