Osama Bin Laden Declared Officially Dead

Written by Neil Levine

Monday, 23 October 2006

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Dead Man Babbling

No Man's Land, Afghanistan---Osama bin Laden has been declared officially dead.

"It's been sever years," says Bill Clinton. "We can't find him. He's a goner. That's for sure. We tried. We really did. We looked high and low. We even looked inside some rolled up Afghan rugs, but it's just that no one wants to admit knowing him."

Clinton adds, "Bush can't find him either. And Bush wants him, Dead or Alive."

Condoleeza Rice corrects Clinton, "He may not be dead, but he definitely is a lost cause. We have searched high and low and will continue to do so."

At a National Security Council meeting, President Bush is said to have asked, "Why can't we find him? What's wrong? Where is he hiding? Is he using stealth technology? Where has he gone. On dear, what can the matter be?"

National Intelligence Director John Negroponte advises, " He is said to wear dresses and heavy make up. He's become adept at disguises and ruses. Something like Dana Carvey playing Pistachio Disguisey in ?The Master of Disguise.'"

CIA Chief General Michael Hayden suggests, "We can hold a funeral and see who turns up. Maybe he will attend. Out of spite or arrogance. It would be easy to nail him at his own burial."

Senator Pat Roberts, Chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee opines, "I don't think he is that stupid."

Hillary Clinton weighs in, "Maybe he is. Certainly, the Republicans don't know what they're doing. My husband's Administration dropped bombs on him. We would have blown anyone else away, but Osama keeps spinning his jihad and hellfire scenario and apparently he has a fan club that just hasn't let him die a natural death."

Condoleeza Rice tries to correct Hillary, "The Clinton team didn't really try. It isn't hard to figure that out."

Hillary, "I don't want him. You can have him."

Condoleeza Rice, "He's no good for me."

Hillary, "He's no good for me."

Together, "He's no good for me."

Congressional Chorus. "We don't want him. You can have him. He's no good to me. He's no good to me."

In the background is playing, "Poor Judd Is Dead.," under a headline that reports of Mark Twain's demise are premature.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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